115. Embracing Polarity (Part 3 of Love, Romance, and Polarity)

We do our best to tackle a very complex topic in under 30 minutes! Kate talks about her divine feminine, Eric opens up about his fear of failing his family and we end the episode with a challenge to reconnect to your core, and improve your relationships.

Topics:
➡️ What the h*ll is polarity
➡️ Why it's impacting you (whether you like it or not)
➡️ How understanding it can help you play to your strengths in relationship.
➡️ Red Flags we commonly see in marriage that numb the Masculine, and Feminine Core.

Join the FREE Evolved Men's Collective Facebook Group

Apply for The Evolved Men's Collective Mastermind

FREE RESOURCE - The Six Key Relationship Skills

FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Eric MacDougall
So today, we're talking about part three in our three part series. Part Three. Yeah. And we really wanted to create this series to, I think, help couples, but really, individuals understand how they could really create thriving connection with their partner in and out of the bedroom. Yeah, that's right. And especially in long term relationships, right. And so last week, we talked about romantic love, you know, the, the quote, unquote, death of romantic love, but really how that's kind of a natural phase, that you evolve, and you transition. And today, we're talking about polarity, which I think polarity has really come to light in the past 10 years or so a lot of different teachers. You know, David died has really put things at the forefront with this, but really bring back this idea of the masculine feminine core, this essence, the magnetism in a relationship. And we're not going to go too deep into exactly what those are today, but we're mostly going to talk about what trips us up in relationship, and how we can really use this to our advantage. And I think we want to start by saying this, you know, really helping people understand that when we talk about masculine feminine, we're not necessarily talking about man and woman. Right? These are not genders. These are essentially core essences,

Kate MacDougall
ways of showing up in, in a relationship, right? Think about it, like an energetic

Eric MacDougall
core, if you will. We believe that we have both of them within us, right? We think a lot of men tend to slant towards masculine. Right? It was this idea of like achieving process. Realization, right. And then women, most women typically feel more at home in their feminine core.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and some people even talk about a neutral polarity, right where you're neither or you just kind of like balance very, very

Eric MacDougall
comfortably kind of in the center. Yeah, exactly.

Kate MacDougall
So yeah, these masculine and feminine dynamics in relationships. They're like comparing to a man In it, right? Like you've got the positive and the negative are the North and the South Pole. And those two they attract, right? That's right. And when ever in a relationship, whether it be a romantic relationship or a workplace relationship, friendship, parental whatever, when there are two poles that are the same, they will retract, they will push each other with each other away just like you would a magnet, right? If you put two poles that are exactly the same, there's some resistance, right? So when we're talking about masculine and feminine, think about this magnet that attraction, right? When you first meet a person, there is literally this physical chemistry attraction to them, right? There's this like, feeling that like,

Eric MacDougall
Ooh, I like this magnetic pole. Like what you're saying,

Kate MacDougall
and it's not like you're not wrong when there is that magnetic pole, There literally is that magnetic pull, like that person's energy is attracting you. It's pulling you towards them. That's right. So when you met me, Eric, my feminine energy was very attractive to you was very like, Ooh, hello. And your masculine energy was also very attractive to me. So we attracted each other. And so that's how we probably ended up together.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And we really want to, you know, help you understand that this happens in a lot of relationships, a lot of people it's just that we, you know, especially because Kate and I are in a monogamous relationship. We don't act on some of these urges. Right? So there's times when you see very masculine men out in the world and there's a natural pole to that right it's like women like oh man, he's drop dead gorgeous. Oh, I just want him was

Kate MacDougall
like we're talking like Jamie Fraser right. I watched Outlander, I watched that character and like whole hot damn, I jump his bones, exactly, I'm actually going to jump his bones also, because he's on TV, I don't really know where he lives. But I would jump his bones because he's so masculine, like, oh my gosh, every part of him is just like, a big bear.

Eric MacDougall
And what makes society work is that we do not act on these urges, right? Because we create agreement and stuff like that. So understanding that we all have these urges, it is part of us, right, you end up feeling the sense of attraction right? To the opposite polarity. And that that does not mean you should be acting on it, you should have enough maturity, to be able to say, okay, I get to these feelings are happening, but based on my current circumstances, agreement, etc, I will not act on this.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And sometimes you find yourself in a situation where like, for myself, I'm a very feminine, my essence is very feminine. And so sometimes I find myself in my masculine a lot because I need to organize things because I'm trying to finish a project at school or at work. So I'm Go Go, go, go go, which is very masculine and very goal oriented. And that doesn't sit well with me when I'm in those modes. Like I'm in them, I don't even realize half the time, but I do have this like icky feeling inside of me, like, oh, I don't know what's happening, right? And so say, in that moment, I was really in my masculine, and all of a sudden, a male coworker walks in, or a female coworker, whatever, and asks me how I'm feeling and their feminine energy comes in. And then they're very, like, oh, I care about you. And here's my, you know, my nurturing energy coming in for you. There's going to be that attraction, I'm going to be like, Oh, this feels nice. Like you're being noticed. So no. And then that's when I have to make that conscious decision of like, okay, this is just, this feels good. Yeah, that's as far as it's gonna go. Right? Like you're not. That's what you're saying. Right? It's just like not playing into it. But understanding that it's there. And it's quite normal that it happens.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And what we really want all of you to understand is that within a relationship, especially long term relationships, you can continue to play with this polarity. Right? So a big part of what Kate and I do in our relationship is that Kate continues to try to tap into her feminine core and share her gifts in the relationship, not only in the relationship, but really in the world. Yeah, right. And that for me, I try to tap into my masculine core, and then share my gifts in the relationship and share my gifts with the world.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and the reason we know to tap into those is because we've done tests we've looked into it, we understand that truly at our base, this is our essence, I could be more masculine and Eric could be more feminine. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
that's like a spectrum. It's like 100% feminine, says 100% masculine. Very few people fall on the extreme right? Right. Typically, they're a little more towards like 80% masculine 20% feminine.

Kate MacDougall
But you know, reading different things about it and understanding it and looking into different studies and things like that. We've really come to understand that deep down inside where I feel most comfortable me myself, Kate, where I feel most comfortable where I feel most fulfilled, is when I am in my feminine essence. So when I'm creating when I'm, you know, being led when I'm being you know, I feel like

Eric MacDougall
when you're free, it's like, right. So that's like the feminine is life. Yeah. And so when you're not only creating when you're dancing, when you're socializing, when you're laughing when you're talking when you're, it's anything that has that energy, right? So if you think about it, like an ocean, right, right, it's just constantly going. It's constantly connected, nature's very feminine. And so it really is about bringing all of life to situations, right. So this doesn't look like order. This doesn't look like very regimented situations. That's not life. Yeah. Right. Because life is not regimented, like that. Life is crazy. It's free, it's chaotic, it's all over the come

Kate MacDougall
in and out and move in and out. It's like, the waves of an ocean, right? Yeah. And so for you being more masculine structure, you know, very, like goals, and, and ending finishing closing loops, closing loops, like, that's very masculine. So to you, it's like, let's finish this, let's finish this, let's finish this. And so understanding how masculine essence works, and how feminine essence work actually helps us in our relationship actually helps us understand each other more deeply, and accept each other a little more, right? Because I can be quite chaotic. Yeah.

Eric MacDougall
And I think that's, I love that you're saying that because this is what often happens is, if we're not aware of the essence that our partner has, we can sometimes not only judge, but learn to resent that part, right? And so we talked about this even for episode where sometimes the chaos you bring to our lives is overwhelming to me. Because it does not like because I can't control it, right. And that's the fear, right? It's like, oh, kid's gonna get a handle, it's gonna mess up our whole life. It's not going to help me close these loops. And it's going to keep us totally in chaos. Right, which is deeply uncomfortable for me.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And what happens in most relationships is when I see Eric becoming uncomfortable with my chaos, I would shut it down. That's right. I would say it's too much. Yeah. So I'm going to tap into my masculine and I alongside with Eric will become masculine. That's right. And we're gonna have copper, and more regimented lives, and it's going to make him feel better, and him feel more comfortable. Yeah. But by doing so I'm denying myself the gifts of who I truly am. As a person, I'm denying myself the gift of the femininity, and that chaos and that life, and that energy and that craziness that I love so much. And that really feels good to me. And I go into this place where I'm not as comfortable, probably not as familiar, where I feel like I'm giving more than I'm receiving, because I'm really working hard and consciously trying to be more masculine, because it doesn't come as naturally and as easy to me.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And in a way, like most women have been taught to do your conforming, exact, right, you're conforming to the masculine control. Yeah, right.

Kate MacDougall
And so because of my job, and because I have to be very structured and my job and because I have deadlines and things like that, I already fall into my masculine a lot. So it feels really good for me to have a space at home. And in my classroom, when the bosses aren't around, where I can be more feminine, where I can be more chaotic, where I can be a little more, you know, free to do what I want to do when I want to do it, how I want to do it, and do it in a silly way if I want to. But when I force myself to be someone that I'm not truly at down to my core, and and I've done that, where I've said, Okay, I'm making my energy is making enter Eric uncomfortable, so I'm going to be more masculine. And then what ends up happening is we step on each other's toes. Yeah, that polarity that used to attract each other is now pushing each other away. So we become like, disgusted by each other. Like, that's where like the snappiness comes in, like, oh my gosh, Kate, I have such a good idea for a trip. I think that we could do this and that and the other thing, and then I'm like, Oh, actually, I have a plan. We're actually going to do this, that and this. And then you're like, well, like what the heck and so we're stepping on each other's toes. Our essence is me trying to be masculine is stepping on you're trying to be masculine, because I'm not doing it super well.

Eric MacDougall
But Maybe also because you're moving into your masculine, it naturally makes your partner right like we're me, in that case, move to my feminine exactly, which now we're totally out of whack or poles are misaligned. Because I think what you're talking about is really important here and I want to kind of stick on this for a bit because this happens on both sides. Right? Where oftentimes the feminine is withholding her gifts Hmm, in order to think they think they're pleasing the masculine mind, this is what you're talking about, like, I'm not going to be chaotic, I'm gonna go forward, I'm just gonna do whatever Eric wants, I'm going to withhold all my desires, I'm not going to push our you know, and this is like I see, especially in the sexual route, where women are withholding who they are sexually, because they're afraid that it's going to intimidate the male sexual ego. Right, right. And we've talked about this for unknown relationship. It's like, you know, I remember the first time you came to me, you're like, I just want to get fucked by you. And I was like, Oh, my God, that's so scary. Like, you're on me, like, this is not okay. Like, you shouldn't be like that, you know? And that's because that was intimidating to my male sexual ego, what if you want all this, you know, energy for me, and I can't provide it and please you sexually? Well, then now what does that mean as a man, right? And so you end up well, feminine women and upholding those parts of themselves to protect the male sexual ego. But at the same time, as men, we sacrifice our sense of directionality, to try to make our wives happy. Because we're like, you know, this is like the idea of like, whatever you want to do, like, we just like, let go of of saying like, this is what we're going to do as a couple, we're going to drive down this direction, this is where our relationship is gonna go. And because we're afraid that's gonna make your partner uncomfortable or be intimidating to them, or, you know, because of the feminist movement is driven into us, like, oh, has to be 5050, everything has to be equal. Well, as men, we sacrifice our masculine gifts, because we think it's misogynistic, or it's too aggressive. And I get it, listen, the shadow masculine. If you're like, aggressively trying to get your partner to do something that's not healthy. But if you're leading with love in a powerful, confident way, and you're setting direction for the relationship that you know, benefits you and your partner, that is your masculine gift. And this is when you hear women say, like, I just wish I had a man like, all men are pushovers. If you're not asking you to come in and like, you know, throw them around the room and stuff, even though sometimes it'd be fun. But the reality is, is what they want is your directionality. They want your confidence they want your masculine gift. And really what they're talking about is they want you to expand in order to hold space for their feminine chaos. Right? So what does it look like for the feminine to be all of life, and for the masculine to be so still, that it can hold that space? And that's what we're talking about in terms of polarity in a relationship. But too many times what happens is, because men are threatened by the feminine chaos, we try to control it, right? And so we're constantly, you know, telling our women be less of this, be less of that, do this do that we're like directing and correcting them to essentially create freedom for ourselves internally.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And oftentimes, like it's, it happens. So often, these arguments like think about it really, right now, think about the arguments that you're having with your spouse on a day to day basis, the ones that kind of come up all the time, the same conversation that goes around in circles, when you really look into it deeply, deeply into it, you're probably just having a polarity issue, where you've either forced your husband to push too much into their feminine, and or your husband is pushing you too much to go into your masculine. And you're not allowing yourself to freely be in that mode, right? Like you think of the people who you know, I spent all day cleaning, and then an internet and I've done all of this, and I've done all of that. And then I come home and the house is chaotic. It's, well, that chaos is your husband in her feminine, and you too far into your masculine. And the reason it doesn't feel good, is because you've done something that's out of your essence. And your husband is now doing something out of his essence. And you're like that's not the essence that attracted me. First off to him. Yeah. So these arguments that are happening over and over and over can usually often be explained by the polarity.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and the way that we see this show up, because I'm glad you brought this up. Because for me, like I talked about red flags, right? So two major red flags that we see in relationships. The first one is when women try to be more social, to have fun to go out to experience life to essentially be free to be life. And men. Try to stop them from doing that, right? Don't be so crazy. Stop talking to everyone. Why are you so friendly with that guy? Like all this kind of stuff, right? Where they're just being life energy. But because men are too threatened by that, because they feel like I'm losing control this woman, she's mine. I own her. Like, I just hate that idea of like, I just want her back like, Dude, she was never yours to begin with. Chill the eff out.

Kate MacDougall
Just because you signed some papers. I mean, you own this woman, or you don't not own this man.

Eric MacDougall
Exactly. So you know. And that's what I see in relationships. So what'll happen is like, you know, a couple have come out for a party and the men just the kind of grind into her and like, Oh, why are you talking to why you're doing that thing? Why were you Why aren't you Breathe, right like all this kind of control and I get it, dude, maybe you got some trust issues, maybe got some jealousy issues probably got to work through that's a whole nother subject what a great opportunity for your partner to challenge you here, right. But that's one thing that I see a lot of men do is we try to control the feminine, and therefore kill that life energy inside them. On the opposite side, what I see a lot of women do is women are constantly asking men, go to this plan this thing step up, be a leader. And then as soon as men start to lead, the women jump in and criticize exactly, and they're and they start bashing, I should have done it differently. This is not what exactly what I wanted. And, and so what that happens is, you know, they're creating an opportunity for the men to step up. And then as they're stepping up, they kind of bash them down.

Kate MacDougall
And like actually, I can

Eric MacDougall
be more masculine than you well, because they're afraid to surrender, right, they're afraid to allow it in a sense, that's also control. And because we fear this loss of control for both of us, right, men and women, masculine and feminine, we essentially try to control our partner, right. And that's what creates so much dysfunction. Because when you're in your core, and you understand this, you can understand, Oh, you're the feminine partner who's wants to be more in their feminine core, more than makes total sense. So you're kind of chaotic, you're all over the place, you have trouble planning, you know, six months down the line, what our life is gonna be like, to be honest, that's my gift.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And that often, that was a big, like, trigger in our relationship, when you would say something like, talk to me about your five year plan. And I'm like, my five year I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow,

Eric MacDougall
I'm doing this afternoon, like, Hold on five year plans. So to

Kate MacDougall
make you happy, I'd kind of come up with a five year plan, but then it would make me feel really uncomfortable. Because I'm like, Oh my gosh, what if he holds me accountable to it? Like, I don't know, if I'm gonna actually do these things in five years, I don't even know if I'm gonna do these things tomorrow, like, I don't know. So it made me really uncomfortable to have these conversations with you. Because I was like, ah, and I understand where it was coming from from you. Because on your end, you'd love for me to ask you your five year plan, because you have a very clear direction. It's part of your essence, to have this clear, beautiful direction in your life. And you want to make sure that my chaos isn't going to come and, you know, play with that too much.

Eric MacDougall
Well, yeah. And I think that, you know, I love that you're saying that, because what ended up happening in our relationship is I just decided what our five year plan was, pretty much and I'm like, This is what we're doing. And you know, I'm sensitive to you. This doesn't mean that that's where we're gonna go or that you're not part of this. In the end, I am sensitive to what you want,

Kate MacDougall
right? And a big thing that comes up lately for us is, you know, you will say something like, if it wasn't for me, this trip won't happen, right? Because I came up with a plan of doing this trip. And I'm like extra juice, moo. And you're like, that's not what I mean. It means that me as the masculine, I come up with the plan, this is what we're doing this summer, Kate. So use your energy, use your Chaos plan as a beautiful summer, do whatever you want, like I'm open to it. But like, if Eric hadn't said, like, Hey, let's go on a trip this summer. My chaos would probably still be like, oh, shoot, I should probably start planning that trip or leaving on next week. Yeah. And so no directionality. So that's where the polarities actually help each other out. Yeah, where That's where Eric's masculine is helping guide my feminine a little bit. So he's embracing my chaotic energy, and I'm embracing his organization and direction. And instead of being angry about it, and saying, you know, like, why he always tells me what to do. Like, I see it as like, You're not telling me what to do. You're just you're just trying to hold space for my chaos and organize space

Eric MacDougall
100%. And I think you know, so I want to start by saying that when I do say that, oftentimes, it's because I'm mad, and I'm trying to lose power. So I don't know how healthy it is. I'm saying that as you're talking about it now. But I do want to say that, without your desire, very little things would be created by me in our lives. And that's what I mean. So, you know, that's a great example of how we play to our strengths, right? In our relationship. I laugh with the guys in a mastermind of all time, but like the beauty of our relationship is, you say what you want very clearly. And then I create it. And then you say more of what you want. And then I create it. And you say, well, and that's like what we've been able to do. Because without your desire. I am just dormant.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, right. And without your planning, I just have desires Exactly. And come to life. Like, I'd like to buy this, I'd like to go here. I'd like to do this. And they're just ideas, I throw them out to the wind and then you take your package and you make the action happen.

Eric MacDougall
Exactly. But this is really important. Understand that without the feminine without the connection to life without the desire, the wanting, the masculine core is just dormant. It's just waiting for a task. Right? And this is the beauty of our relationship is that I'm sensitive to the things you want and that I create. It doesn't always work.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And we've heard people say before, you know, I feel like I'm doing meaning everything. I feel like if it wasn't up to you, if it wasn't me, I, my wife would do nothing for this relationship or vice versa, my husband would be doing nothing for this relationship. If it wasn't for you. If it wasn't for the feminine, you would have no desire to do anything would just continue on with your straight line of I'm going to finish this project and then there would be no other project. This is

Eric MacDougall
why men feel so lost when their wives are like, I'm not sure I want a relationship that are like, Oh, crap, I don't know what to do. Now. Where do we go like without giving? So now they're constantly pestering the wives. What's the vision? What's the vision? Where are we going? And what they're asking for is, what is it you desire? So I can create it? Exactly right. And this is what we you know, we were kind of joking about it the other day, because I want to kind of wrap this up. But we were laughing that like, you know, if you think about like Super Mario Bros, right? Like there is no Super Mario Bros without Princess Peach. Princess Peach is the essence of the feminine, as in its life, energy. It's something to fight for. It's something that is worth going through all these levels, fighting a giant Bowser. And in essence, that's what's happening in life in relation right

Kate MacDougall
without peach Maryjo would just keep fixing things and stuff because he's a plumber. Right? Yeah, exactly. There's nothing wrong with being a plumber. Nothing wrong with being a plumber. But that's all he would do. Yeah, he had a vision for his life amazing plumber, amazing plumber.

Eric MacDougall
And you notice that you know, I want to kind of poke fun of myself here. Because we noticed that in our own relationship when you go away with the kids, and the dog, right? It's like, you're like, What are you miserable? I got all these crazy plans while the blog and do all this stuff. And then as soon as you leave, what do I do? I'm just like floating around the house. Like not knowing what to do. Like, what happened, all these tasks you were supposed and I'm like, Yeah, because like, I didn't really have like a direction like sure I didn't even eat. Yeah, but if you come into my life, and you're like, hey, we're heading to the cottage, I would love it. If you know, when we come back, this specific task is done. Guarantee that tasks can be done. Yeah.

Kate MacDougall
And so going back to the first conversation we had how you're feeling? That's the fear. The fear is I'm not going to share my desires with you. Therefore, you're not going to be able to properly plan our summer.

Eric MacDougall
Yes. And therefore what do I make it mean about me? If somehow you are disappointed?

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. Right. Yeah. So I promise I'll tell you my desires of that all the time. And if not, I'm gonna hold them I'm just gonna figure them out. And just remind me it's a very What do you really desire in this moment? What is

Eric MacDougall
it you desire? I'm watching. Okay, so we hope that this has really found you well, and we hope you understand this idea of polarity and really playing to your strengths. Right? One of the big things that the feminine can do is share your desires talk about what you want allow that to flow freely, right? Because that's your gift. I want this I want to create this I want a healthy sex life I want adventure I want date nights I want all this excitement and for the masculine, right set direction. Don't be afraid to courageously step into your power and say confidently lovingly right now like bull in a china shop energy like knows what we're gonna do my way the highway. But no, like, Hey, I have your heart I care for you. I'm sensitive to your needs. I'm going to lead us towards this.