117. Stop overthinking and Build Confidence

Eric shares how much he WANTS Kate, Her response is to laugh uncomfortably. We share a tool to build self confidence and change your life.

Topics
➡️ Radical Acceptance
➡️ How overthinking benefits us (it doesn't)
➡️ Focusing on what you want
➡️ The problem with avoiding discomfort

Join the FREE Evolved Men's Collective Facebook Group

Apply for The Evolved Men's Collective Mastermind

FREE RESOURCE - The Six Key Relationship Skills

FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Eric Macdougall

So today we really wanted to visit this topic of overthinking which we're so good at doing as human beings. And this came to light, I think not only because it's a totally normal human behavior that we all have. But I realized this week when I was talking to a lot of guys in the mastermind, that they were kind of stuck in the cycle of trying to figure out the right way to do everything. Which essentially is like you ruminating on every possible outcome.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, I have my doctorate in that. Yeah, exactly. 

Eric MacDougall
I think a lot of people do. You know, I don't want to explain kind of where it comes from, and all that stuff like, but what I really even matter, but not for today's episode, because what we really wanted to do was to help you, you know, understand what's happening in that moment, what you're alluding to, but really what to do in order to prevent that from happening. And there's a couple things you do need to accept in order to stop overthinking. And I think for us, for you and me, Kay, this is in a way it completely transformed our life. And it's allowed us to create all the things we've created. Because we have been so courageous, and have really grown to trust ourselves to take action and implement kind of pivot when we need to. And that's a big part of we're going to talk about on today's episode. Absolutely. Yeah. And so what first what I want you to visualize this is kind of the tool that we often visualize is not my tool. So this is Phil starts talks a lot about this. You can read his book, The Tools is a great book. Jonah Hill did a great documentary on Netflix. You can check it out. But anyways, yeah, love it. He has created this, all these amazing tools that you can use in order to really take action in terms of navigate doing the hard things in your life. And he calls this to a turnaround. But the idea here is you want to imagine kind of a U shape, right, if you will. So kind of a big U, one side kind of starts at the top left kind of goes down into the bottom, and then kind of kicks back up on the right side.

Kate MacDougall
Like the letter U.

Eric MacDougall
Thank you. Anyway. Imagine I was trying to

Kate MacDougall
who knows? He's like drawing it in the air. Like,

Eric MacDougall
I'm a very visual. Okay. Okay. I

Kate MacDougall
think everyone saw the U.

Eric MacDougall
Okay, clearly. Imagine that in their mind's eye. But you go in

Kate MacDougall
one side, and you come out the other? That's the most important part. It's more like a slide. Yeah. Get out?

Eric MacDougall
Well, we really want to help you understand is that typically, you're just kind of going along at life on kind of a top right side of you, if you will. And then as you start to think about something, right, you kind of fall into sorry, he started the left side. Yeah, I was like, wait, what? Yeah, no. So you started the left side of the EU kind of the beginning, if you will, and then you kind of fall into it at the bottom. And as you're in the bottom, this could be literally any thing you struggle with, right? It could be anxiety, it could be your fears, could be your worries, could be literally anything. But think about that in terms of like what typically keeps you stuck, right? In this case, it's overthinking, right. And so as you're in there, you're thinking about every possible scenario, every way you can kind of deal and solve this problem. And by doing that, by trying to think yourself out of the solution, or out out of the problem, you are actually just reinforcing, staying stuck at the bottom of the U. Right. And the idea here is you want to kind of move up the other side and get out on the top right side.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and honestly, I would go as far as you go on the left, left side of the US so you're somewhere you know, you're you're living something and then you end up overthinking it. And you get so stuck there and so scared that you end up like difficultly crawling back up to the left side. Even though you're not supposed to do that you're delaying I'm gonna say right here, that's too scary to keep going. I think honestly, like, that's how I see the you know, I'll

Eric MacDougall
just never forward momentum. Well, it's like bumping against it, and then kind of bumping

Kate MacDougall
against that. And then you're like, oh my gosh, I'm like, I'm way too scared. Just Nevermind, nevermind, nevermind, I overthought it too much. Let's just go back to how things were, and stay in my comfort zone, which is the left side of the you. So instead of, you know, really getting past that chaos past that, like, maybe negative energy that you're feeling. You're just like, forget it, I'm not gonna get past this, like, I'm just gonna go right back to where I was.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And as you're saying it now it actually makes a lot of sense in my mind's eye, because what I'm thinking about is that this is probably looks like in real life where you think you want to do something, you know, you want to interact with your partner, you want to, you know, change jobs, you want to leave your work to start new business, like literally anything. And you end up thinking about every possible scenario, and then you do nothing. Right? And that probably now you're back to square one, square one. And then when somebody brings it up later, again, you overthink it, you try to avoid the conversations, you try to avoid every single interaction that's gonna move you forward. And then you go back to square one,

Kate MacDougall
right? And the more you go back to square one, the less and less you get close to the bottom of the you where the chaos is, eventually, you just forget about it. You're like me on new Oh, that problem, you're moving away from that conversation and you'll start walking away from it. You don't even you don't even pay attention to it anymore. Right? It's like that person who's dead on happy in their job. They have been for years, decades, but they're still in that job. And every time someone's like, hey, there's a great opportunity here. You should, they're like, kidding, you're like, I can't hear you blocking their ears running away. Like that's them back at the top of that left side of the you. Like they they're not even going down that slide. They're like, I'm good right here. Like, I know, I know, I hate my job. And it's causing so much rift in my life, but I'm gonna say right here.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And so. And I think a lot of people can relate to that, in a lot of ways. You know, there's aspects in my life when, you know, in the past where I related to that, where I didn't take action you're holding on for dear life, right? And I'm like, I don't even want to think about going there. To be honest, I didn't want to talk about it. Yeah, right. This was like, when I started a business, I didn't want to say it out loud. So I'm like, What if I say it out loud, and then I don't do it. My way. It's just better to keep everything to myself, and then pretend like it's never happening. And I'm totally happy where I'm at. Yeah, which I wasn't. And so that's a really great point. And we want to get to essentially, your the ideal scenario here is that you essentially fall down because inevitably, you will, you will fall into that bottom and that you. And the skill that we want you to practice here is understanding how you can get back to the top of the right side and move on until the next time you fall in. Right. And I think this is the big thing that people need to accept. And I think it's really radical acceptance, that life is gonna throw problems at you. Like, life is beautiful. It's amazing. It's all these things and it's chaos. It's suffering. It's crazy like it whatever plan you have, life is not playing by those rules.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, my therapist signature actually it says, shift happens, you know, like that. Oh, yeah, that like expression shit happens while her signature says shift happens. And I'm like, Ah, every time she's so powerful sends me an email or whatever. I'm like, Oh, that's good. I like that. Yeah. And I

Eric MacDougall
think, you know, accepting that, you know, it was a pain, but like, this is the reality of life, like you will experience pain you will experience, quote, unquote, crappy things, right? Like, yeah, all this stuff. And if you spend most your time trying to create a life where you can avoid that, like you're saying, K, you never actually kind of step in, and you're constantly just staying at the left side of the you, you're like, how do I create a life where I can avoid every possible pain? Well, that's a life where you really don't do anything.

Kate MacDougall
That's it. And I mean, it's not bad, you can stay there, you can do the same things over and over and live your life like you're in Groundhog Day, like, wake up, do the same things go to bed, that's it and start over. Like, a lot of people live lives like that. But those people often inside, feel this void, feel this emptiness feel this, like, something's missing. And that's the edge. It's, you're missing, going on the edge of that you and looking down that slide and being like, I'm gonna try, I'm gonna try it. Because sitting at the bottom of the you could last seconds, like it could last days, or months or years, you know, you never know until you get there.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And the idea here is to really help teach you to get out of it. And so the idea here is, you know, one of the first things you want to do is, when you feel like you're in the bottom and the stuck, oftentimes, as human beings, what we usually do is we just focus on how stuck we are. We continue to talk about all the problems, all the reasons were in that problem. All the reasons that we're the victim, all the reasons why our partners, the oppressor, our workplaces, the oppressor, like, essentially, like how we are the ones that are suffering, and continuing to reaffirm why we're stuck. And so the same way that you're overthinking, right, it's happening. And this way we want to talk about this idea of our thinking is that you're essentially trying to come up with a scenario where there is no pain. And inevitably, that scenario does not exist. Because your your mind, it's going to create some sort of pain to prevent you from moving. Right. So your mind wants to be as efficient as possible. So the longer you think, the more scenarios, it's going to create that end in catastrophe for you. Because all it's trying to do is keep you still, right. It's like, well, if you don't have to move, we're kind of safe here. So if the worst thing that we're gonna do is just overthink about problems. That's actually kind of good. That's good. Because we're never actually facing problems. Yeah. And so let's just keep overthinking. And so your mind is naturally keeping you in that state, which inevitably keeps you stuck. And so the way to pattern interrupt it is you want to think about what's at the top right side of the ute, right? We're on goal. Yeah, the end goal, the desired end state, what it is you're creating, we love the word creating, right? Our family's like, well, what are you creating? What are we moving towards? Because we understand that said, you have just being outcome driven all the time is not always healthy. But what is it you're creating? So if you're like, Well, my opponent ever talks to me, or Oh, like I'm, you know, I'm totally stuck in a dead end job. Well think about what it is you want. Because like, well, I want to get out of this job. Well, no, that's not actually what you want. You probably want to does getting out of this job lead to right, it's like, what would be the next step, well, then I would have to look for a job, right will be the next step kind of job do you want, and then you want to get to a place where it's like, I want a job where I can be at home my family more, because I love being at home, my family and other spending time with them. And when I'm at work, I miss them. So I need to look for a job, where I can be at home more and still make a good amount of money to provide for my family. Boom, that's what you want. Right? And so when you start to think about that, now, the brain, the monkey mind, is going to go towards that. It's gonna say, Okay, well, we want that, what do we do? And immediately what's gonna happen is you're going to start thinking about every scenario to create that. And this is where you want to be careful not to get stuck in it again. Because as soon as you start to think about the top side, right, you're like, Oh, this is the outcome I want this one I want to create, well, now how am I gonna create well, over time, the more you think about it, the more you're actually reverting back to problems, you're gonna start to think about every reason you can't do that. All the barriers, because now your mind is going to start taking hold again. And so ideally, what you want to do here is when you think about the outcome you want, you want to take an action. And this is the hard thing, right? Because people are like, oh, what action do I take? And the answer is, any, any action is better than what you're currently doing. And the skill that we really want to champion here is the ability to pivot right have the ability to improvise to figure it out. Because that is where the growth happens, right? That's how we've been able to achieve what we've achieved in our relationship. In our life. That's how I grew my business. It's really around, understanding that you're committed to this and that it will be tough. And you will do it anyways.

Kate MacDougall
Right? And I love that you put the word end, because in improv, I mean, I, I took improv in high school, I'm a little bit of an improv Pro. But the biggest thing they say is always say, and always add to the idea. So when I'm overthinking something, when I'm you know, I come up with this idea. And I'm like, Oh, I don't know. And I'm starting to go back. Well, if somebody comes into the ring in improv, and they're like, Hey, Grandma, want to go to the movies, and you're like, actually, I'm not your grandma. I'm your I'm your long lost alien cousin. That's like, what? Then you just tension like that is a big no, no in improv, right? So when you're improvising, even though your intention was to be an alien, you're gonna go in, and you're gonna be like, okay, okay, I'm the grandma, and you're going to improvise, you're gonna go with that. And that's what you want to do with these ideas that you're having in these thoughts. You're having things are coming up in your life, things are going to come up in your life. And so what are you going to do with that you're going to improvise, you're going to keep going, you're going to like, move forward with that improv. And you're going to be like, That's cool. Okay, I wasn't expecting this pivot. Now. I'm going to bring it over here. And the nice thing about improv improvisation is I can say, I can take the grammar at the movies idea, and go with it and take it in the direction I kind of want it to go like, yeah, Honey, I'm so excited to see that alien movie, I really hope we don't become aliens. And then all of sudden, that original idea kind of goes back to where you kind of want it to go, you really wanted the alien thing. So we're gonna push away towards that. And so now this new idea, okay, okay, so now we're going towards the alien idea. And so this is where you want to go with ideas and life is you just want to keep moving forward, keep understanding that like, hey, I can pivot, I can do this. And the more you accept that, you are a human being able and capable of change able and capable of coming up with, you know, pivoting on the on the spot, being creative. Yeah, figuring out, figuring it out, understanding that things are gonna happen, having this deep understanding that like, Hey, I'm going to do this life thing, and it's going to be messy. And I'm going to try it. I don't know, if I'm gonna like this new job, I don't know, if I'm gonna, this, this idea I'm bringing up to my spouse is gonna work. I don't know if this or that, but I'm gonna do it anyway. And then once I do it, I will figure it out. Yeah, trust myself to do that.

Eric MacDougall
Right. And, and because this is how we get to the trust part, right? Because a lot of times what's happening is, you need to accept that you're stepping into the unknown, right? When, like, life is unknown. So you can guess, and a lot of times we take our best guess or remind my partner, I'm trying to figure out all the situations, so we can control an outcome. But the reality is, accepting that it's unknown is really important. And so what you do is you step courageously step into that you choose to improvise. And by improvising by putting yourself in those situations, by being an active participant, you build resilience. And this is what you know, for us, our marriage is designed for, for all of the challenges in our life is designed for we're here put on this earth, so we can experience life and through it, build resiliency. So we can leave the world a better place, right? So we can challenge ourselves to grow. So we can figure out new things, and then leave the world better than when we came on this rock. Right. And so by building this resilience, what's going to happen is you are going to gain confidence. And this is very, very important, because this is how you build confidence, right? You cannot think your way to confidence, you can create different beliefs. You can think differently, you can take action, but in the end, confidence is built through taking action and overcoming challenges. And as you're building that confidence, you're going to learn to trust yourself. And by learning to trust yourself, you're going to stop overthinking things, and you're gonna take more action, which then will lead you to more improvising, which then will make you more resilient, which then will lead to more confidence, which then will lead you to trusting yourself, taking more action and round and round and round we go. And that's how you get to a place where you see a lot of people in this world and you're like, oh, how can they do it? How come I can't do it like you think you're such an idiot. These people are just like you. They started at something. It was hard before it was easy. They took action. They were courageous. They push through the pain, and they decided to figure it out at all costs. And that takes commitment. So When you think about the cutting back to the you on the right side of the you never forget what you're aiming for. And understand that sad to say, hopefully we won't get too discouraged by this, but welcome to the rest of your life, where it's going to be, I want to master this, I'm gonna move towards it, I'm going to face this wall, I'm going to improvise, be resilient, build that confidence, do it all over again, until my last breath. And that is essentially how you stop overthinking, and start to really create that momentum in your life.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and what we often see people do is they second guess themselves, they lose trust in themselves. And, and by not taking action by not saying the things like, I'm going to do this. And then every time you don't do what you set out to do, you break trust. It's just like, if you know, Eric says, I'm going to be home at five o'clock tonight. And then he doesn't. And then the next night, he doesn't again, and then the next night, he doesn't again, well, eventually, I'm not going to trust him anymore. But it's the same thing with yourself. If you say I am going to get online, and I'm going to look for a job tomorrow, on this website, whatever. And then I don't, well, I've just breached trust with myself. And that, okay, I'll try again tomorrow. And then I don't I breach trust again. And just like you would lose trust in a spouse, and a friend and whatever, who kept lying to you, by lying to yourself, because essentially, that's what you're doing, you're breaking trust with yourself. So this is a huge mistake that often people do because you get scared, and it's normal to get scared, it's normal to not understand what's going to happen and kind of be in the unknown and be like, I don't really know where this is going. And then to like backtrack, don't do that. It's the biggest mistake you can make. When you say you're going to do something, do it, even if it just means getting in front of your computer and putting your finger on the mouse and going into the website and being like, ah, there's a lot here. You did it, you did exactly what your mind intended for you to do. And tomorrow, you're gonna go further with it. But just take that first step.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I actually love that. And it reminds me that, you know, when you come up with the idea to do something to take an action, that's it at that moment is the closest you will be to taking that action, right? Every second that goes by after that you were getting further and further and further away from the possibility of you taking that action. Now, next time, that idea might come up again. And then now you're back to it, right, you're very close again. But if you tell yourself right now, you know, I'm going to get down and do 10 Push Ups. Well, as soon as it leaves your mouth, it's the closest you will ever get to doing it. And then eventually, time will pass and your brain is gonna be like, Oh, I guess you were gonna do that. But now you're not. And then I mean, it's gonna go by and weird as well. I'm gonna do it a minute ago, we're not gonna do now like, and then a day is gonna go by. And then eventually you're creating these neural pathways and just like you're saying, you know, you become a, you essentially start to embody this idea of yourself. I am a person who says things and does not do that. Yeah, I can't trust myself. Yeah. And then so what as lead to you, you have trouble making commitments. You have trouble saying things out loud. You have trouble trusting your own ideas, you have trouble believing in yourself,

Kate MacDougall
eventually, you're never gonna go down that slide. You're just gonna stay right where you are. And continue being angry about the life you're living. And wondering why everybody else has a wonderful life. And here you are stuck in your rut. And you're the only one who has power to get out of that rut. We've said it before on this podcast. A pile of shit is very comfortable. It's hot, moist. It's, you know, it's where it is, after a while doesn't even stink doesn't use the smell. But it's still Polish shit. That's right. So if you want to get out of the pile of shit, get down that slide. First thought don't overthink it. first thought that comes to your mind. Do it. Just do it.

Eric MacDougall
Step into the unknown. Yep, embrace it. You know, learn to pivot learn to improvise. And go about it. I hope you do not take that pile of shit comment too. Personally, we for a long time lived in Earl Powell shit.

Kate MacDougall
They live in a pile of shit. I said hypothetically speaking, maybe they do live in a pile of shit. You're just

Eric MacDougall
talking about like the general life pile of shit.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. All right. No, that's a good one. Do it. We'd believe in you.