132. Prioritizing Your Spouse - Where Do They Rank On Your To-Do List

This week on the Evolved Marriage Podcast, Kate and Eric discuss the "Cheat Code" for daily connection:

Topics:
➡️ Calendarize Your Connection: Make time for family in your schedule.
➡️ Lead with Love: Initiate and plan for meaningful interactions.
➡️ Small Steps, Big Rewards: Simple routines can deepen bonds.

Tune in for strategies to strengthen your connection.

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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Kate MacDougall
You know what, what's on my mind is our nine year old son who's going to through pre puberty and testing his limits, and testing his voice and testing himself in life, living new experiences. And it's tough. It is difficult. I am not looking forward to him being a teenager. Nor am I looking forward to our daughter getting to that age because I thought having a baby was hard. This is like a whole 'nother ballgame. And that's been on your heart too. Right? I guess what I'm feeling about as I'm feeling this, like sense of loss, the sense of grieving my baby. You know what I mean? Like, oh, my gosh, I'm gonna get emotional grieving, like, losing my baby, and, you know, making room for this young boy in my life. And I don't know what that looks like yet. And I think I just need to allow myself grace and time to learn to get to know him again, and learn how to love him and understand him and reprioritize him in this new season of his life.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, in a sense, right? He's going from like, being your baby to really embodying your relationship with men, right? Because it's growing into it your relationship with, you know, the opposite gender, etc. Yeah. And so a lot of triggers are coming up around the way that he you know, is boisterous and vocal Yeah. And I think it's, it's

Kate MacDougall
like a fear that he's going to grow in up into this man who's aggressive and like, because the way he speaks right now, it's very aggressive. It's very rude. It's very, you know,

Eric MacDougall
triggering triggering. Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
it's just not like empathetic. And he I know he is an empathetic kid as much as you can be empathetic at eight and a 989 years old. But it's yeah, it's definitely difficult to like re navigate, re get to know him. It's been weighing a lot on my mind and heart. And that's where a lot of my time and energy is going. Right? What about you? What's been on your mind and heart?

Eric MacDougall
I think in my mind, I've been really focused on my own health, I think especially lately, kind of the physical mental piece of it all. I find I'm often overly stimulated. And I take very little time just to kind of sit and you know, in my kind of embodiment, practice and my silent practice, I feel like from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed, it's Go, go go it's what's next. And so for me, what's been on my mind is really prioritizing, slowing down, experiencing things right being in these moments being present. And that's, that's been challenging. For me, it feels like there's this kind of whole bunch of stuff and I'm glad we're talking about this topic today, but a whole bunch of stuff that I'm trying to keep at bay in order to kind of experience things as I was, there is this belief that I'm always behind,

Kate MacDougall
right? And I get that. And I see that in you a lot. And you seek a lot of comfort in managing and getting things back in line, you know, from start to finish. And until you see that finish line, you're not done with it. Whereas I can put things to the side and finish later. You're like, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I definitely noticed that. And I love what we're talking about today, prioritizing, because things have happened in last few weeks that have made us realize like,

Eric MacDougall
yeah, and we always say this, right? Like the, the breakthrough comes after the breakdown. And so oftentimes, whether you decide to introduce discipline in your life, and kind of get ahead of things and be proactive, or you have to respond and be a little more reactive to a situation, discipline is coming. Now, for us, we have been very driven. I think, going into the fall season, we've been focusing on a lot of different things, we've had our plates full, and you know, kind of a catalyst happened where we had to really react and kind of wake up and say, Well, you know, we got to reprioritize certain things in our lives, which is why this podcast episode came into play. Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
I think it was very evident to us, you know, we were talking about, you know, let's, let's plan these trips, let's redo some rooms in our house that we've been kind of putting off redoing, let's, you know, do this in the backyard, and let's all we have to put the trampoline in. And we have to finish trimming that tree. And we have to cut the lawn and clean the leaves up and all of these things on our to do list. And also, you know, some dreams, like, you know, fixing up the house, going for trips, all of these things seemed wonderful in the moment. But then we had this moment where our son cried out for help. And it was like, oh, maybe our priority, our priority right now shouldn't be the bathrooms, the To Do lists, the trampoline, the whatever, I think we're gonna have to focus on our kids and our connection as well. Because, to be honest, like, we have felt very disconnected lately, just because we're prioritizing a lot of different things. And a lot of things are getting in the way, you know, like extracurricular activities, we, you know, the kids go to school all day, and then we're rushing home, and we're making dinner. And then after that we're running to jujitsu, and scouts, and kickboxing, and all those things. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
right, or gym memberships. And, you know, a lot of these things are around prioritizing our own individual health. They're about kind of building a foundation for our future. But I think what really woke us up is that we have not been prioritizing human connection with, you know, within our own marriage, but also with our kids, with our family members, etc. And so that's really where this episode came into play. And understanding that this is this is a trap that a lot of individuals fall into.

Kate MacDougall
Right? Yeah, especially when you're adding other people in the mix, such as kids, or if you're living with your in laws, or if you, you know, have obligations to go to different places because of other jobs, maybe evening work or things like that.

Eric MacDougall
And really everything is trying to take up your attention. Right? And so there's things are constantly pulling at you and everything seems urgent, right? And you kind of get put into this place where you're like, Okay, what's the most urgent thing I'll take care of, that'll take care of that. And oftentimes, what ends up happening is your personal relationships, kind of go on the backburner. And you create this idea in your head where it's like, especially for high achieving men, where it's like, oh, once I do x, y, and z, then I will be able to do this. So I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna grind this out, get to the end, get to the end, but then you realize is that things will constantly, while your attention, there will always be something else to get in the way. And you might wake up, you know, four or 510 years from now, and realize, oof, I really haven't prioritized connection. And now, I feel completely disconnected.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and the more you put it off, the harder it is to get back into that to get those wheels spinning again, you know, like, the longer it is, the less practice you have in doing it, the more uncomfortable it's going to become to connect again. And I know for me, you know, you're talking about high achieving, let's get things done. Go, go go. But I think for me, it's more of let me check the easy things off. First, you know, put the trampoline away. Yeah, it's a big job. But it's easy peasy. It's and you could win much easier. Exactly. And it is I see the trampoline is gone. Therefore, I get an immediate win. Whereas prioritizing my connection with my son or my daughter or you they're invisible wins, right? It doesn't necessarily happen right away. You know, especially with our son going through all of these mood swings and changes like I'm not going to see it the same day. He's not going to all of a sudden go from like, raw to I love you so much. And then a little Blaze, you know, picture perfect, like that's not gonna happen. That's not who he is. That's not who we want him to be. So I definitely pray Are ties the quick, easy, comfortable wins? So those are the things I'm prioritizing in life right now.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And I think, you know, I often talk about in the mastermind, the difference between happiness and joy. And there's a depth to joy, right. And so what you're talking about is the dopamine kick, right? The idea of like the to do list and you're like, Yeah, it feels so great. And there's space for that. I think it's important to stack up the winds and, you know, kind of continue to create this idea where you're, you know, competent at what you're doing and achieving things, and then you're getting confidence. And then that's kind of the loop that you want to continue. But what we're forgetting is that, for a lot of us, we're, you know, emotional beings, and we co regulate. And if you're avoiding human connection, there is going to be a sense of emptiness underlying within you, right? A lot of people, I've seen a lot of people very high achievers, very successful in business and health and all this stuff. And they feel completely alone, they feel completely disconnected. There's that old kind of saying, you know, it's, you know, a lot of people come home with a pocket full of money and a house full of strangers. And that's what you want to try to avoid here. And so what we're gonna be talking about today is really, you know, kind of a wake up call for you to open up your calendar, and to really look at where you're prioritizing human connection. Right? This was something for me two and a half years ago, and we brought into our marriage of like, literally, if you were to pull up your calendar right now, what would be on it? For a lot of us, it's your work meetings, maybe your kids extracurricular, maybe some gym stuff, right, you have to have to go to, but I doubt that most, you know, most of us probably don't have one on one time with my wife, right adventure with my son, family outing, right? All these things. And so it's really important to not only understand, hey, I need to create human connection, I need to lead courageously in this. But I also need to time block and create these containers, so that I can make sure that these things happen.

Kate MacDougall
Absolutely. And I love that you're saying that because so often we get lost in the to dues, and we forget the must dues, you know, the human connection, those are the things that fade the fastest, and are the hardest to get back. You know, if our trampoline stays out for the winter gets full snow and cracks or whatever, I can buy a new trampoline, I can't buy a healthy son, who's 18 year old old who feels completely disconnected from us and feels like I he's been embedded ignored his whole life. I can't buy a new relationship where I have a husband who can trust our connection and trust that I'm prioritizing him. I can't buy that I can buy a new trampoline is inconvenient. Yeah, probably. But it's just that to say that, like, let's prioritize the things that you can't buy, you can't fix in a, you know, a snap of your fingers. It's harder than that when it comes to human connection.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And I think the first step is to really be open and honest with yourself, right, but then really bring kind communication to your partner, right? So if you're, you know, raising a family together, or you're focused on your relationship, really thinking and understanding about, hey, I'm going to communicate that I want to prioritize our connection, and that that's important to me, and I miss my partner. And I'm going to prioritize time with my kids, you know, one on one dates or going out as a family. And I'm going to lead that that's gonna take courage, right? Because sometimes your partner might not be, you know, jumping for joy. So you might go and be like, hey, like, you know, I'd love to spend time with you. We'd like to go on a date. Your partner is like, Well, I'm not sure. Like, I'm not really feeling it and Hola. And you're like, Hey, I'm gonna go ahead and do that. I'm gonna plan it. I'd love for you to join me at this restaurant. Right? That takes courage. Yeah, it's easy when your partner says, I'm not really feeling it free to be like, Okay, fine. I'm not going to do with that.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And that happened to us this weekend, right? Like, we hadn't gone out on a date together. We hadn't spent one on one time together in a long time, we'd had a lot of conflict. And usually, that's our red flag to be like, ooh, we're missing connection here. Like that's our kind of like, red light that goes on in the car that tells you you need to bring it to the shop or us. It's when we start arguing over the little things. And so I knew we need to make time for a relationship. And it was awkward for me to say, Hey, Eric, I made reservations at this restaurant. Do you want to join me? And I did that by text, because that's what was comfortable for me. And it's very vulnerable, right? Yeah. And I'm like, he might say no. And then I had all these scenarios. Okay, if he says no, then I'll call the restaurant back. And I'll say this, and then how am I explaining it to my parents? Who already agreed to watch our daughter? Oh, my goodness, like that. And I'm like, Just calm down. Kate. Just ask the question. And when did I get back? Sure. That sounds great. Awesome. Yeah. And so and then we went out and oh my gosh, that didn't ever feel good. Like it was like, you know, like, it was almost like we were shy to go out again, because we hadn't got out and for us, it was a few weeks. But for some people, it's been years and we've been there where it's been years that we haven't connected or we haven't seen each other even looked at each other in each other's eyes, you know, like. So I think your first step is definitely like what you said, look at your calendar right now take pull up your Canvas calendar, look at it. Where have you put in time for connection with the people you love with the people who are the most important in your life? Is that on your calendar? What are you saying yes to that is making you say no to this? What is it on your calendar that you're prioritizing the most? Is there a lot of you time, which absolutely, that's very important. But if 90% of your calendar is you time, well, maybe it's time to swing the balances a little bit and focus a little bit more in connection, in order to make sure that that becomes a little more of a priority doesn't mean take off all your you time, it just means go from 90% to maybe 50%. And then the rest of the 50% can become everything else, right?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, yeah. And I think, you know, this idea doesn't have to be big, right? When you look at your calendar, it can start small. I know, for me, whenever I feel disconnected to the kids, or disconnected to you, the easiest kind of step for me is to focus on the bedtime routine. And so all I'll do is I'm gonna say, hey, this entire week, I'm going to spend, you know, 30 minutes with the kids around bedtime, we're going to read together, I'm going to sit with them. And that's why I blocked out on my calendar for us in our relationship, right? When I feel disconnected, it's you know, I'm going to make sure that I go to bed at the same time as Kate, and then I'm there and we're in bed together, right? And if we decide to jump in the shower together, that that's available to us. So what I do is I make sure that at a certain time of night, I go up into the bedroom, and I'm with you and I'm around you. And that's where I start, right. The next step could be I'm going to invite my partner on a date or on a walk or on a just even up for coffee. Right? Sometimes when I feel disconnected to you, you don't have the luxury of working from home. I'll just talk to your work. Yeah, I'll be like, hey, you know, you have like an hour right? Now let's go for lunch. Let's just go for a walk. You know, I mean, is that and sometimes you know what happens? Where I drive all the way over there? And I'm like, trying to surprise you. And you're like, Hey, I'm sorry. I'm really busy. I got all this stuff. And it's like, Okay, awesome. Yeah, it's totally cool. You know, maybe you can just run out, give a kiss. It's like, great, you know, because we say hey, and I peace. And I'm okay with that. The reality is, is that I'm showing you that I want to be with you, I'm showing you that there's some connection here that I want to create. And that takes courage that takes intention. And it's really important for you to connect to why it is that you're doing this type of stuff. Right? For us, there is a fear of, you know, going to a place where we're completely disconnected. And often that's the catalyst catalyst is often fear. But then beyond that, we move to what we want to create, what type of relationship do we want? How do we want to be enjoying each other's company when we're 8590 years old? Right? How do we want to be connecting with each other? Do we want to be touching? Do we want to be hugging? Do we want to be in bed together?

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and I love that you said that. Because as you're talking, I'm thinking about those couples who grow up who have these grown children. And they don't know how to connect with each other anymore, because all of their time and energy has gone to being parents being you know, taxi drivers being partners in raising their children. And then the children leave the nest, and they're like, who are you? And so that's why especially when your kids are young, it's very important to model that to model the fact that, you know, yes, your kids are around and yes, you know, you should prioritize them. It's, it's probably very important to prioritize your kids. But it's also very important to show them that mommy and daddy love each other. We go on date, sometimes. I remember taking care of a couple of kids. And they were like, we were talking about going on a date. And they were like, what's a date? And in my heart, I was like, oh, no, your parents never go on dates. So no, really talk about it. Yeah. And I'm like, that's so important to talk about to give those words to your kids. I'm going on a date mommy and daddy are spending time, whatever you want to call it. But it was like that child and had never seen their parents spend time alone, just the two of them. And maybe they do it in the evenings or whatever. But like, our kids know, even when we're spending time alone in the evening, would they know you know, Mommy has a date tonight with daddy like, they'll be like, Why are you dressed up so nice, because we're going out to the fire. You know why you just have so nice. Oh, Mommy has a date with Daddy, where are you going to the fire outside. And so our kids know that. We're prioritizing our relationship that despite them being around there, dad is still the most important person in my life. And so, by me prioritizing that by me modeling that for them. They're hopefully going to grow up and create relationships of their own, where they're prioritizing their spouse. They're not prioritizing their parents. They're not prioritizing their other relationships. They're prioritizing the most relationship, the most important relationship in their life, which is the one that they have to live with every single day. They in the same room in the same house. And that's what's important. It's making that relationship a priority making that relationship healthy. Because foundationally if that racial relationship is unhealthy, if your relationship with your spouse isn't healthy, foundationally you're not healthy. Because there's conflict. There's, there's this comfort, there's resentment, and all that implodes and explodes into other parts of your life. So that foundationally is the most important connection that you can create the one that you need to prioritize the most.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I think I love this, saying, you know, which is the quality of relationships dictate the quality of your life. And I think that's so true here. So our challenge to you is really to, you know, think about the next seven days of your life, you know, really bonus points, if you pull up your calendar, and you have a look at it. And you start to implement that stuff, right, Kate and I, every single Sunday, we sit down, and we prioritize the next seven days, to say, Hey, what are priorities here hanging out with kids hanging out with each other, right, having takeoffs and landings, morning and night, and then we add the extra stuff. But the highest priority for us is trying to make sure that, you know, our buckets are filled in terms of human connection. And so think about that for yourself over the next seven days, how can you step into human connection, prioritize it, right and take one step. Maybe for some of you, it's taking a leap, right? You can do that and good on you. But what's the smallest step that you can take in order to prioritize human connection and create these containers so that you can start to create this habit of connection?