This week on the Evolved Marriage Podcast, Kate and Eric MacDougall delve into effective strategies to evolve your marriage.

Topics:
➡️ The significance of gratitude in appreciating your partner
➡️ Physical touch as a key element of daily connection
➡️ The power of daily check-ins and consistent communication
➡️ Working together towards common goals

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Eric MacDougall
Today, I'm excited for this, because I think I get this question a lot. Man, like, what are the hacks? You know, what's the five step plan?

Kate MacDougall
Oh, my God sounds like me, like a magic pill I can take to just like, be a perfect wife. Yeah.

Eric MacDougall
And I think we like that, you know, like, I think it's inspiring think, okay, if I do these five very specific things, things will improve. And the reality is, you know, as as we go through these, really, you know, if you just did one of these consistently, yeah, I think things would improve right? For us. We're all about 1%. Better, we're all about gaining all the time. And how do we gain a little bit every time? A little bit every day? Yeah. And so these are some of the hacks that have really worked for us. But you know, if you just didn't take one of these, and you're like, I could probably do that. And I said all the time, like, it doesn't even necessarily mean that you have to do it like together sometimes just doing this hack on your own.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, there's one of them, we're definitely going to talk about how how that doing that alone for myself was was very impactful. So yeah,

Eric MacDougall
so let's dive right into it.

Kate MacDougall
Let's go.

Eric MacDougall
So the first one is the check in

Kate MacDougall
right, check in.

Eric MacDougall
And so this whole idea of the the daily check in with each other, you know, for a while we called it takeoff and landings, which is checking in the morning really quick. This doesn't have to be a long time, right? It's gonna be like two minutes. Hey, what do you plan for today? What are you looking forward to, you know, how you feeling? What's on your mind, heart, etc. And then really the the landing, which is at the end of the day, how do you come back to us was like heads on pillows, just kind of being there looking at each other's eyes, making sure we breathe a bit together. And that's kind of a check in, right? So there's lots of ways you can do it. I'd love to know, kind of what check ins work for UK that feel good. And really understanding maybe the value of it.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, so I think that, you know, being able to touch for me was a big thing. And I actually we've kind of fallen out of this habit like we've life got busy and we've kind of fallen out of this touch habit where, you know, in the morning, it's like, go, go, go, go go and then it's like, Okay, bye. And then that's like, the only touch we get until we leave where, as on weekends, sometimes I'll turn over in bed and I'll hold you for a bit. And that check in for me. You know, it's not so much. It's part of a check in right. So there definitely is some communication that has to go in there. But part of that I think is that touch So really being physically present, it's easy to be in the kitchen and kind of like, Okay, what's your priority for day as I'm making a coffee, preparing breakfast for the kids doing the dishes, finishing the lunches, whatever. It's easy to have a conversation in that time. But it's not as connecting as if you stop, touch, hold hands, look at each other, you know, or do that and then stop and hug, like hold each other for like, you know, a good 1015 More seconds, whatever, however much time you have. But for me having some touch having some physical connection during that check in? Definitely. Adds amplifies the check in?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, absolutely. I think it really emphasizes slowing down. Which is important, right? Yeah.

Kate MacDougall
Because the check in is really, that it's allowing yourself that in your busy day, you're telling your partner, hey, I care enough to take some time to hear you out. And I understand that you care enough. And I trust that you care enough to hear me out. And you know, I love kind of what, I think it's Brene Brown, who shared this in her book, but she said that her check in with her husband, sometimes it's like, she goes from like a one to 10 Like, like, energy wise, like, she'll just quickly tell her husband like, Hey, I'm at a five. So I'm gonna need you to help out tonight. And sometimes he'll say like, I'm on a five, two. And just by saying that it's enough for them to have an information about each other like, okay, he's low energy, I'm low energy, maybe tonight to take out night or he's low energy. I'm low energy. Maybe tonight we work together to make dinner because neither of us have energy to do it alone. And so or maybe we can take something off her plate tonight. So I think that's a nice quick check in, you know, what are you at? I'm at eight. Okay, great. Good, because I'm at a three. And so I think that's kind of like a funny, kooky way of doing it. That's very quick, very simple. And it gives you a lot of information.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I love that. So if you're not doing a check in, right, just think about a check in the works for you can do it once a day, you can do it in the morning, in the evening, twice a day, whatever works for you. But really, this idea of slowing down connecting being present with each other, for literally four minutes. Could be enough just to feel connected throughout the day.

Kate MacDougall
Exactly. Just to show your partner Hey, I care enough to hear about you and hear how you're doing and where you're going with your day. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
so the second one is a little bit kind of bigger concept, which is this idea of having goals together. Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
and sharing your dreams and having making your partner that person that you can share those with being open and vulnerable. And, and whether that dream or that goal is going to come true. Just saying like, Hey, I'd love one day to buy a house with a horse farm and own acres of land and 1000s of horses and maybe like live right next to like wild horses on a beach. Like why not share that that can teach your partner a lot about you and like kind of what you're looking for in your life. But also, you know, it gives them information but then it gives them something that they can you know that because they know you it's like say say they saw a frame and it had horses running on a beach. And you know, they might think of you and be like wow, like I saw this take a picture of it, buy it for you like whatever it's just a really nice way of getting to know a person to share your dreams whether they're come true or not. And being together sharing goals sharing dreams. Your partner can become somebody who can help you attain those goals and attain those dreams.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I love that. And I think often for us you're an IK like when when we're in a funk. One of the best ways that we ended up reconnecting is through teamwork. Yeah, right. And so for us we always say that like one of the best things that we love doing the most is like hey, let's do a project together. Whether it's something around the house whether it's planning a trip, whether it's cooking a recipe or store, but just this idea of you and I working together as a team towards a common thing to achieve something is very connecting for us and so we obviously have very huge goals you know parenting kids kind of dreams of traveling the world all that stuff. But then we also have these micro goals at home right we have weekly goals of like hey I really want to achieve this I really wanted to do this podcast is one of our goals right continuing to do this week in and week out. And so I do think that having goals that you share as a couple rights are not only individual goals, I have my own personal goals you have your own personal goals, but then also working together as a team to create kind of couple couple goals

Kate MacDougall
yeah and then and then it becomes this like project you guys can work on and connect to you know, having like a jar with money in it and that's your trip fund and like one day we're gonna go one day we're gonna make it to our dream destination and I Every day, hey, like, pocket change, pocket change, whatever, right? Like, and then you see it grow. And it becomes this exciting thing, you know. And I think back as when we were planning a family, right, we had the shared goal, we had this common idea that like, hey, let's have a baby. And that was so exciting. And it was so much fun for us to dream about, you know, especially the pregnancy, like, what's what's what's he going to look like? Or what's the baby going to look like? What are you going to call el Legger? And especially when we knew the gender it was like, What are we going to call them? What do you think he's going to look like? What do you think his personality is going to be? Like? It was so exciting. Like, yeah, it was just this really nice thing that we did together, like, drempt together, right? But it doesn't have to stop there. You know, like, obviously, we're done having kids, but we can still dream and, and create this beautiful thing together. That's not a baby. I mean, right now for us. You go. You keep making babies and populating the world. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
I love that idea. And I think that it really gives you something to look forward to. And I do think that working together is just so connected. Right, as a couple. So the third one I think a lot of people are gonna know about, obviously, you guys are gonna grind your teeth. Right? Which is your relationship with technology?

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And that's the one that we're probably the least aware of. You're probably like, whenever I'm I already like, I already leave my phone away. Yeah, go to bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they actually say that, like, for example, a TV in your room is the biggest killer of romance. Because people will be like, Oh, we put our phones away. We're good, we're good. But then they're like going to bed and falling asleep in front of the TV. And you're like, No, no, like tech is anything that has a light on it. Blue light. And for a long time, like for like, you, we weren't bringing our phones to bed, we were like, we don't have a TV in our room. And we were like, I were really doing good with the no tech thing. And you were bringing your tablet to bed. But not to scroll on the internet, I think but you were reading a book on your tablet. And that was disconnecting, you know, whether it's a tablet book or a physical book, like, really what it is, is anything that takes time away from being able to connect and look at each other in the eyes and touch each other without distraction, whether, and I

Eric MacDougall
want to jump on this because one of the things we realized, you know, we've taken TVs out of our home recently, which has been really great. So No TVs in the home. Good, exciting. It was learning experience. But what it does is created these pockets where we don't really have anything to do. Yeah. And so I find that we've been communicating more, we've been together in the same rooms more we've been talking more kids have been reading more, I've been reading more all that stuff. And oftentimes when I see it, you know, there's no judgement here. Like, it's not to judge you for like, Oh, you shouldn't be on your phone. It's just understanding that by giving your attention to a screen, it's a barrier to giving connection intimacy to your partner. It's

Kate MacDougall
like everything else. Right? What are you saying? Yes to say no. What do you think? No to to say yes to? When do you know what I'm trying to say? My brain is off.

Eric MacDougall
I love it. Yeah, it's like, you know, if you're saying yes, your screen, yeah, I know what everything else. And one of the things you want to I don't wanna go too deep into this just for the sake of time. But the reality is, like, if you're getting the dopamine kick from your phone, right, your messages, your tick tock scrolling, and whatever your news articles, and you're constantly getting that dopamine feed, well, then there's no need to work again in the dopamine feed from your partner in an intimate way. Right. And so, really understanding that that, you know, at first, it might be tough to put your phone down, but really understand like, this is a barrier to intimacy. I mean, how hard was it for you when I was walking on my headphones around the house? Listen, audiobooks. And you're like, Are you available? Like, are they on? You're trying to talk to me? I got like, the best noise case. So frustrating.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, exactly. I'm like Eric, and I'll say huge sentence. I walk in the kitchen. He's like, staring at a wall or whatever he's doing. And I'm like, yeah, he didn't hear any of what I just said. And then it's like, instead of like, tapping you on the shoulder and repeating it. I'm just like, at this point, I'm frustrated. So I'm like not, nevermind, you don't want to hear you don't want to you have your headphones on, you obviously don't want to hear me.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And so really important. Understand that, you know, again, not trying to create judgment around this, but by creating a healthy relationship with your tech. And by kind of putting barriers around it, maybe not having any tech in the bedroom, right? Maybe making sure that you have a tech free hour at night after the kids go to bed. And even if just that are just sitting on the couch staring at each other.

Kate MacDougall
And some people are like, I can't take the TV out of my room. It's literally my sleep medication. Like as like, Yeah, that's true. Some people fall asleep with the TV and that's how they do it and their bodies have just gotten used to it. And if that works for you, fine, that's fine. But make sure that you have some time away from the time you go to bed and have your TV on to have some tech free time and talk about it. Just say in a very inspiring way like hey, I'd love to have some time to spend with you without distractions. I miss you so much. Nice. I feel like we spend a lot of time on technology. And I would love if we can start with like, just start with 15 minutes, and then grow it from there. But if we can do 15 minutes a day without tech, just to sit together and read or sit together and talk or sit together, and you do what you enjoy doing without tech, and I do what I enjoy doing about tech, but it's much more connecting, because what happens is you don't get that dopamine kick, and you need to find it some other way. And oftentimes, we'll turn to another human to do that.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I love that. The fourth one is kind of a cheat code. I mean, if you're not doing this already, start doing it right now. Favorites. Yeah, this is

Kate MacDougall
to practice gratitude and appreciation. And this is probably the element that saved our marriage. Because it is so easy, especially when things are hard to look at your partner with disgust and contempt. And just to look at this person and be like, there is nothing I like about this person. Well,

Eric MacDougall
yeah, and even then, right, like, even if it's not in that intensity, the reality is, is that you're living with this person for 20 years. There's things that I do that Kate

Kate MacDougall
probably drives you up the wall. I'm still today. Yeah, for sure. Like, listening

Eric MacDougall
live with somebody for 20 years. Like, you know, Oh, I love them all the time. It's like, no, sometimes I want to scratch your eyeballs.

Kate MacDougall
Clip your toenails everywhere in the bathroom. It's okay, we're not throwing. No, that's a guy thing. I know what the guy thinks some girls do, too. Come on. Come on, ladies, listen. So I

Eric MacDougall
just want to say, by shifting, and really focusing on what you're grateful for and appreciating your partner. Not only like, Listen, you can even do this just in your head. Yeah. And just think about your partner in these positive ways, which is powerful. But then to share it specifically with them. It feels awesome. To not to be told, like not only like, Thanks for dinner, but to literally be told, like really nice things about the cooking and I really appreciate the time it gave me opportunity to do this frenzy. Yeah, like, you know, be a bit of a storyteller here. Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
we have an episode actually on practicing gratitude. And, and it might be a really helpful thing for you if this is something that's new, because I remember for me to start practicing gratitude. It wasn't easy, especially when things were hard. But even today, like you know, sometimes you you get busy. And it's just like, oh, you forget to notice you forget to notice the people you love. They often are the ones who take the backburner and use so you kind of just go through your day and then complain, complain, complain and forget to see what an amazing person this person is. Right? 100%. So just noticing that and taking time every day to sit down and start with one thing, two things, eventually five things that you can be grateful for. And my first things were sometimes like, the fact that he went to work today and made money for the family. Like that's how I started. But you know what? It's a good start. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
even like the fact that he didn't yell at me, right. I remember there was some days where I was like, Eric didn't yell at me today. Bonus. Yeah. Right. And I thank you for not yelling, your relationships, not in a good place. Start anywhere. Yeah, right. That's how you build it. But I would say even further than this, just kind of wrap up this point. Like, you should be doing this just in general in your life. As humans, we have a negative bias, we focus on the negative, right, we focus on when there's wrong, everything that affects and don't get me started, like, we don't really watch on TV, or I mean, I'm not on social media that much. So I'm not like being inundated. But some people are just like on the news. It's doom and gloom, everything's horrible. And you really have to start not only viewing your life, but viewing the world from this really grateful place.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and social media can be kind of a life sucker when it comes to that, right? Because you look at all these people with their perfect lives. And of course, you're gonna put your perfect life on social media like, so you get this comparison syndrome, and then all these negative feelings, you know, my life is so crappy compared to this person's life. And, and my

Eric MacDougall
husband had a six pack.

Kate MacDougall
Not a six pack of beer. Just kidding. But no, but like they so by, you know, if this is the environment you're surrounded with all the time, or sometimes being like, for example, in the staff room, it can be very negative. You know, you hear all these people complaining about all of these different things and just practicing that gratitude for your spouse. It really does make a big difference you start seeing, yeah, things on social media are beautiful, but I also have these nice things. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
love that. And our fifth one a lot of fun, but it's this idea of adventure. Right, novelty, if you will, but yeah,

Kate MacDougall
and making it kind of a regular thing, putting it on the calendar. You know, we went ahead and planned our year, because we know that if we don't plan ahead, it's going to get away from us and we're going to end up you know, a month, one month at all. We didn't really have a date night we didn't really have time to connect, and then two months later, still didn't Really make time to connect this month three months later. Okay, now let's really really put one on the calendar and then so it's been like three months that we haven't had time, just for me and you to try something new try something novel go on an adventure. And it doesn't have to be you know, climbing and climbing Mount Everest, it can literally be a new restaurant or going to play bowling. Maybe something you haven't done in like 15 years like so. Unless you're part of a league which that's like something people in America do

Eric MacDougall
a lot I just want Yes, I've known are part of bowling leagues. What

Kate MacDougall
is that? That's why don't we have bowling leagues? I'm not sure isn't like, Canada doesn't have a bowling league or

Eric MacDougall
like a biker gang or something.

Kate MacDougall
Man, bowling leagues,

Eric MacDougall
it's hard to know. We have bowlers listening. No offense.

Kate MacDougall
No man like that's cool. Like I go bowling. Yeah.

Eric MacDougall
So I try to say I want to touch on the last point you said which is it doesn't have to be complicated. A lot of times when we think about the sense of adventure, it's like oh, has to be big grandiose. And the first thing I was here the only money we can't afford to have adventure. And it's like Baloney, right? You could create adventure at home, you could create adventure in the neighborhood, you could literally create adventure by going down a different trails next time you go for a hike, right? And so really important to get creative here. But creating the sense of novelty of adventure of newness is really important. And there's plenty of ways to do this, right? Go to the library, grab a cookbook, and any I'll open the pages together and point in a recipe and

Kate MacDougall
then you're looking at the store and get the ordering. Yep, right.

Eric MacDougall
That's adventure. So yeah, go

Kate MacDougall
to go to a grocery store, your local grocery store, buy your fruit you've never tried before vegetables, something you're like, I've never seen this before. Let's google it, whatever it's called. And we will figure out how to eat this. Why not?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I love that. You know I have a question about gross stores. How come people don't go in grocery store and try the grapes like they used to? Like that's you could do that right? I remember as

Kate MacDougall
a kid Eric your child

Eric MacDougall
would say say go try the grapes and then

Kate MacDougall
like you try the berries when you go berry picking

Eric MacDougall
Leal is illegal things. Dealing the other day my daughter told me that I should take apples that one bag and add it to the bag I was buying. Yeah, I'm glad you said it. I'm glad you said it. I appreciate you for T shirt kids.

Kate MacDougall
clementines. When there's holes in that box. Man, I add them I add them extra clementines. So the hole in the box. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
we know everybody does that. It's like oh, this box with three clementines in it. I guess

Kate MacDougall
that's like at checkout when you accidentally forget to scan something. Okay. Whoa, I don't do that. But some people have told me they do. This is Oh, that's that's all rage. Everybody does.

Eric MacDougall
Okay, okay, we got

Kate MacDougall
anyway, that was that was the five hacks. Have a good weekend.

Eric MacDougall
All right. Yeah. So I don't even know. I'm totally speechless, right.

Kate MacDougall
I'm being too honest. Okay. So

Eric MacDougall
can we get back here? So I really want to start.

Kate MacDougall
So I'm going to recap since I can't speak right now.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, we literally just had to take like a five.

Kate MacDougall
So making sure to daily check in do it daily. Doesn't have to be long. Share goals, sit, share dreams. Make sure you're talking about those. Make sure that you're, you know, working about it and be vulnerable. It's okay. It's okay to dream in front of your partner. You've done worse things. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
like that. Think about your relationship with tech. Yeah, right. Start to create boundaries

Kate MacDougall
about it. See where you guys can cut some time. It's really like start

Eric MacDougall
with you. Right? What are your partner mean? Like, I think you need to get off your phone and start with you model that behavior. Right. Yeah, I think that's a good place to start.

Kate MacDougall
And I think the next one, practicing gratitude should definitely be one of the first first things you start if there's one, you can start tomorrow. That is the one just do it in your head. When you see your wife or husband next time. Just say something in your head. You're very grateful that this person is in my life because yeah, just start there. Just start that yeah, and simple. Yep. And then

Eric MacDougall
the last one is adventure, novelty. Just because you have something

Kate MacDougall
new. I agree. Yeah, that's gonna create a lot more sexiness in your bedroom, too. We

Eric MacDougall
have an episode on that as well. It's true. Yeah, novel things, add sexiness

Kate MacDougall
and spots in.