This week, Eric is Irritated, Kate is in Pain, and we chat openly about about a word people Love to Hate: Discipline

Topics for this Episode:

➡️ Why Discipline will be something we ALL need to prioritize.
➡️ Why slowing down to speed up is our the answer to stress.
➡️ Reconnecting to yourself, and why you are making your current choices.
➡️How to lower your partners resistance to change.

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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

Eric MacDougall
So today, we're talking about discipline, discipline. Yes. Yes. It's kind of a taboo word for a lot of people, discipline and some people love it. Yeah, discipline.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, that's true actually could be a triggering word. I mean, depending on where you come from.

Eric MacDougall
So today what we're talking about when we mean discipline is this idea of making sure you follow through on stuff in order to, in this case, we talk about relationship, to benefit your relationship, but also your life. And we have a kind of a line we use, which we like to, you know, it's looming, but this idea that discipline is coming, right? So whether you decide to be disciplined now, or not, discipline is coming,

Kate MacDougall
Eventually, you're gonna have to face the skeletons in your closet.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, you got it, you're gonna have to deal with something you don't want to deal with, whether it's now or whether it's later.

Kate MacDougall
And I remember going through therapy, and she was explaining it, like, when you have baggage or something you need to deal with in your life, you look at it as like a carry on baggage, like a carry on suitcase. And you've got things in it. And some people have like a lot of things. And then some people have a little bit of things in it, but everyone's carrying around the suitcase. And the more things happen in life, the more things get added to that suitcase. So if you're not dealing with some of that baggage, it's just gonna get heavier and heavier and harder to drag along, and you're just going to be exhausted. So if every day you go through your luggage, and you just kind of take a little bit out here and there, that bag won't be as heavy. But if you're just letting it accumulate, like you're gonna be, you're gonna be lugging around, you know, a hippopotamus...

Eric MacDougall
A hippopotamus. That was the heavy thing you thought of. Awesome. I like it!

Kate MacDougall
They're so chubby and cute. Because I was watching Youtube reels yesterday.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, so just to jump into that. I agree. And I think what we really want to create awareness around in this episode is that you have the ability to make things easier on yourself, if you decide to be proactive, and we're gonna explain why that's so hard. What gets in your way, and really what you can do differently in order to make sure that you can create more the life you want. And I think foundationally, what we want all of you to think about listeners, is, it's really important to get clear on why you are doing the things you're doing. Right? This is a big one, a lot of people, you know, they're like, I know what I'm doing. I know what I gotta do, but it's like, no, you don't like if, you know, I talked to a lot of men talk to a lot of people. And when I start asking questions, so like, why they're doing things they're doing eventually we get on this road where they have no clue.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and I would even go further than that. Because I was at that point, at one point in our relationship. I had to figure out what I was doing. I had no awareness of how I was spending my day, right? I just kept saying, Oh, my God, I'm so busy. I'm so exhausted. I don't have time for anything. But when I truly sat down and looked at my day, and I was like, well, actually, I have three hours of TV every night. Like, maybe I could be doing something differently with that three hours. I think that was even bigger for me to figure out the what I was doing before even figuring out like, okay, so now why am I doing these things?

Eric MacDougall
Right? Yeah, like create awareness of how you're showing up in your life.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah in your daily life and what are you prioritizing? Where are you putting your energy?

Eric MacDougall
Right? So I think I think you're right, I think it'd be really important to essentially kind of write down a list, right? Sit down, whether it's thinking about your day, think about your week, and this is really, for people who are overwhelmed, feel like they're always on the backfoot feel like they can't get ahead, right? You really need to start taking an inventory of like, what are the things that I'm actually doing? And this in and of itself, can be hard for people because they don't want to face the music. Right? The reality is, is that we all have the same amount of hours in a day, time is a human construct. I'm not getting into that whole philosophical debate. But the idea is, you get to choose how you're spending your time, this is your life. If you want to continue to justify why you're constantly overwhelmed, exhausted, etc. You can do that.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah and when I sat down to do that exercise, I was like, no wonder my relationships kind of shit. When I look at my week, and I'm looking at the seven days in the week, I probably spend zero minutes on my relationship. Yeah. And that's a problem. Yeah. So, you know, maybe create that awareness for yourself, maybe take time to jot down, what am I doing for my relationship? You know, what am I doing day to day? And where does my relationship fit into this?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and that's a big, then step to think about what is the life that I want to create? Right. And we talk a lot about this in a lot of the training we do in the Mastermind, but I always say you need to slow down before you can speed up again. Because what happens is oftentimes, we're in this reactionary mode all the time. You know, I often have this visual, but it almost feels like you're walking around this bag of sand, which is your life and sand's constantly coming out. And you're like, hey, I need to like hold it back. Like prevent all the sand from coming out. But meanwhile, somebody is up top just constantly adding sand. Yeah, it's like you need to like stop and like put this bag down and look at it and wonder why does sand keep coming in this effing bag? Why there's so many holes in it. And why do I feel like I need to stop it all from coming apart? Right? Because that whole idea in and of itself is the rat race.

Kate MacDougall
Why am I even carrying this bag of sand? Is bag of sand important in my life?

Eric MacDougall
Right, exactly. And that is so important to slow down and start to take an inventory of what are the things that I'm currently doing in my life and why am I doing them? And if you don't have an idea as to clearly why you're doing these things and how they're impacting and creating the life that you want, that's a red flag, because I bet you that a lot of the things you're doing is because somebody instilled in you, drilled it into you that you should be doing this, because it'll lead to a certain outcome in your life. Yeah, right. Yeah, you need to go to school, get a college education, get a job, get a wife, get some kids, get a dog, get a house, and then happiness.

Kate MacDougall
Or an idea that you put on yourself. You know, I grew up in a poor home, I don't want my kids to grow up poor. So I'm going to work myself to the bone so that I get that promotion so that I get money so that more money, more money, more money so that I can give them the life I've always wanted. Yeah. But in the meantime, they have no dad, they have no mom, because you're always at work. And it's like, well, I don't know. I don't know, what do I want? A rich life where I buy myself, my kids a bunch of stuff so they can occupy themselves on their own? Or do I want a life that I'm actually spending time with my kids? You do you, what is your priority?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and this is hard for a lot of people right to dive into because, again, the mind is going to justify what it's currently doing. Because the mind doesn't want to change. And so even going back to that TV example, right? If you think about I'm watching three hours of TV, it's like, well, I need to unwind, like I have an exhausting career, I have to chill out, this is why I'm doing it. Like, what you're going to do is you're essentially going to justify and explain why you're stuck. And that in and of itself continues the cycle. Right? And I talk to a lot of men like this I'm super exhausted. Here's all the crazy stuff I have to do. Okay, well, what if you stopped doing some of that stuff? Oh, can't stop doing any of it? I gotta keep being overwhelmed. It's like, okay, well, how's that working for you? It's not, okay. I don't know what you need my help with. Like, if you're not willing to do something different and the exhaustion doesn't work, eventually, you can just go to burnout, and then deal with it, then.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and I think our first instinct is when something's not going, right, I need to do something differently, I need to do something else, I need to add one more thing to my plate. And of course, if you have that mentality going in, you're not going to want to change anything, because you think I'm already overwhelmed. I don't have time to do any more. I'm not adding any more to my plate. Yeah, instead of thinking like, what can I replace? That's not really, you know, in line with where I want to go with my life with something that is more in line with where I want to go in my life? Is there something I can replace? Or, you know, what can I start saying no to just cutting it out, not adding anything at all, just saying no to or setting those healthy boundaries?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and this is where we really want you to get out of survival mode and towards thriving. You know, number one, you need to essentially take an inventory of your life and ask yourself, How are the things that I'm currently doing, moving me towards and creating the life that I want? Right? It's probably stuff on that list, you're like, Well, this is not helping me, this doesn't serve me. Like, I want to have a really amazing relationship with my wife, is continuing to talk about how shitty our sex life is working? Like, no, that's not working. Let's have a conversation about that. So what could I do differently instead? Well, I could bring more positive energy to our lives, I could be more playful, I could be more fun, I could create a healthy environment. And this doesn't mean that you need to do everything overnight. But what would happen if instead, you just brought more playful energy to your relationship, and maybe were a little more lighthearted and decided, hey, instead of trying to fix my wife, or fix my sex life, I could just be happier, more positive, happy go lucky and playful.

Kate MacDougall
I love that example. Because oftentimes, you know, when you get in a mode in your relationship, where you're like, we need to have more sex, your first instinct is I need to tell my wife, we need to come up with a plan on how to have more sex, blah, blah, blah, whatever. And so you spend your time and energy focusing on the sex and talking about the sex and it's exhausting both of you, and you're still not having sex, and it's not working. When instead, instead of talking about the sex, why not just go up to your husband and say, you really have big arms in that shirt. That's it. One action. Did that today, might do something different tomorrow, exactly. To start flirting with my husband, maybe start noticing my husband in a way that's not like, I want to jump your bones. It's, I'm just noticing you I know you exist. And you're not just my sex slave.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and this is really important. And you know, the the example of sex is a great example. Because you hear a lot a couple saying we never have any sex and that needs to be fixed. But the reality is, is that right now, based on the situation, you don't want sex. Like, let's be real. It's like, Oh, I'd love it if I could have sex, really. So if I just want you right, you're like, oh, whatever I was, I was like, Oh, fine. Let's fucking get her on. You know what I mean? It's like that would satisfy you. Absolutely not. No. And so that's a great example of you don't even know what you want. Like you think you want this thing, this thing that you don't have

Kate MacDougall
and get clear on why is it that you want more sex? Right? What is that going to put in your life?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, what type of sex do you want? Yeah, what type of man you want to be in order to have that type of sex?

Kate MacDougall
And that's the slow down. Yeah, the slow down before you speed up. So I want to have more sex, we're not having enough sex. Whoa, slow down, step back, take a huge perspective of what you just said, what is it going to bring me? How is it going to make me feel? What do I need to do to get myself to that place? Like, why is this so important for me? Am I skipping steps? Should I be doing other things, instead of focusing on the sex, maybe I should, I should just start noticing my wife, maybe I should just get off my phone and start looking at her in her eyes for like two seconds every day. Like, if you do one small thing every single day, to get you to your destination. That's so much bigger than doing one big gesture. Because it's more sustainable. It's something that's going to be able to have long term impacts and long term effects. And it compounds Right, yeah, if I'm wooing my husband, every single day, I'm flirting with him, I'm paying attention to him, I'm looking at him, I'm treating him like gold, the sex is gonna come. And I won't even I won't even have to focus on that, like omg we're going to have sex tonight because I did this. No, it's just, it's going to come just because you're changing the way you're seeing your relationship.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And so this is what you're saying is so important. Because what this does, by being proactive and thinking about the small steps, number one, it eases up on the resistance, right? So a huge part of where we lose our energy, and avoid doing things is because of the resistance, right. And so if you have this idea that, you know, again, something happens, I have to now be disciplined from a reactionary point, I need to fix my cycle, I fix my marriage, fix the whole deal, I have to do everything right now in order to stop this from happening, right, that fear based place. Now, in order to move forward, there's a lot of resistance, not only resistance within you, but resistance to your partner, right. So if you're like, full speed ahead, you're gonna start trying to get you know, back in the bedroom, in the next two days, where your partner is gonna be like, Wow, you're like messing up my whole reality here, I'm going from zero to 1000. And I have resistance to that.

Kate MacDougall
And your brain is gonna say that, your partner is gonna say it, but your brain is gonna say that too. So if I'm looking at like, changing something, and my anything, like if you tell yourself out loud right now, just say, I need to fix my marriage, you're going to get this overwhelming feeling inside your body of like, holy, my goodness, this is going to be so hard. Like, I have to do this, and this and this, and this, and all of these things, I need to do all these things,, forget it, I'm not even doing it. Like it's just too hard.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And that, then you inevitably continue down the research hole, continue to figure out the next easy button, avoid taking action, and then you wake up two months down the line, and it's worse. And now you're gonna have to be even more reactionary. Instead of, again, being proactive and thinking about discipline by slowing down to speed up. So this is really what we want all of you to start thinking about is number one, ask yourself are the things that I'm doing helping me create what I want? In order to do that, you need to be clear about what you want. Don't just say like, Oh, I want a better marriage. What does that mean? Right?

Kate MacDougall
Go deeper. Why do you want a better marriage?

Eric MacDougall
What would a better marriage look like? What would be happening if your marriage is better? What would you be doing if your marriage is better? Does your wife want a better marriage? What is a better marriage to her? Ask her!.

Kate MacDougall
And actually my coach, she suggested to me to make like a Pinterest board. Or like a lot of people call it like a vision board like she does it on Pinterest. It's easier, it's electronic, you can modify it, whatever. But make yourself a vision board and look at it like I want a better marriage. Well, what does that clearly look like to you? What are the actions? What is happening in a better marriage? You know, in your vision of what a perfect marriage is? Well, what does that look like? You know, are you having breakfast together every morning, are you and all of those small little details help you see the actions that you're going to have to take in order to get to that perfect marriage that you so truly, truly want?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and a lot of people typically, when you think about, like I want to have better marriage, they focus on what wouldn't be happening. Well, we wouldn't be fighting. It wouldn't feel stale. I wouldn't be walking on eggshells.

Kate MacDougall
So would that look like instead? Right? I don't want these things. I want these things instead of those. Yeah.

Eric MacDougall
And then immediately your brain is going to come into, well, I can't get these things because of this. And it's like, no, you need to focus on the outcome, right? Because you're not gonna hit a bullseye without a target. So you need to have that target. And then instead of thinking about how do I go from zero to 1000, and get there this week, instead, start breaking it down. And what are some things that I can introduce slowly, and remind myself why I'm doing these small things over time? So they compound. That's how we changed our marriage, right? We decided to say, You know what? I'm all in. I know, it's not going to be easy. I'm committed to the long game, but this is what we're doing. And then what happened? You know, we get this question all the time. Like, how did you know it changed? And it's like, to be honest, it was so symbiotic and so like slow going and gradual in the evolution, that one day we just wake up and it's like, our marriage is so fucking kick ass like this is awesome.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, even I think it even took us time to realize that it had changed. Yeah, that we were at a healthier place

Eric MacDougall
Because there was still that fear of like the hammer dropping.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, we had to slow down and be like, Whoa, okay. Well look at us like we haven't fought in the way we used to fight in a long time we have much healthier discussions and conflict now. Wow, look at us like we're laughing. Like we're wanting to go on dates, we're wanting to spend time together, we're holding each other more like. So slowing down allows us to see the change. And I find that that's one thing that I'm working with with my coach currently, is that slowing down is that step back and look at how far you've come. So make sure you take time to celebrate yourself, if you are going towards a destination, if you are, you know, doing disciplining, if you are more disciplined in something, well, make sure you're not just go go go go all the time, like, stop maybe once a week, just stop and be like, Wow, look at me, look at all the things I did. You know, I complimented my husband like five times this week, I held his hand for the first time in like months, I scratched his back in bed, I made dinner with him. The other day we danced in the kitchen, like all these small wins, the more you notice them, the bigger that final impact will be. And the faster you'll start seeing it coming too

Eric MacDougall
Because what gets celebrated gets repeated, right? And this is how this slow incremental change not only impacts the way you view your own life, but it really impacts the people around you as well. Because it's attractive, like when that's when you say about being the lighthouse, right? Like modeling healthy behavior. Well, when I see you do things that are really healthy, right, because we're in the same environment, because we're in such close proximity, I naturally gravitate to that, right. I'm like, Oh, I'm going to do that too. Right? It's like, because you're modeling this healthy behavior. Well, that looks like you're really enjoying it. So I'm going to try it. And this is kind of the whole thing, right? If you decide to say, You know what, I'm gonna go for walks every night with the kids. And maybe your husband is not into it. Well just go anyways, you invite them. And you might realize after a couple weeks, the husband, I'm like, you know, I'm gonna go like every time the kids come back with their mom, like they're super happy. They're excited. They talk about how often your adventures are, I want to be part of this. And you don't even have to say anything, all you do is keep inviting them. No, right. But this is the idea is like, everything needs to be done. Now. Because we're in this reactionary position. Instead, it's like no, I get you need to resist the urge to like, jump all in and try to fix this and go to zero to 1000 right now. And instead, you need to break it down and start thinking, What can I do right now in order to compound that over time?

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And I think like, the classic example is like, the losing weight thing, right? Like, like, if you're still not understanding this, this might not understand it's, if you have 10 pounds to lose, you're not going to lose 10 pounds in a day. It doesn't matter what magic formula, you're looking for whatever, like it's impossible. But if every day you start walking for 15 minutes, that 15 minutes eventually becomes 30 minutes, because now you've created these healthy habits. And then oh, eventually, maybe you'll start going to the gym, that 10 pounds is going to fly off. Is it going to happen tomorrow? No. But no good thing happens in a day. Yep. Do they say Rome wasn't built in a day?

Eric MacDougall
And I agree, I think what you want to do is really think about the small incremental changes that will help you get towards what you want. So if you take anything from this podcast, think about this, right? You need to slow down to speed up. That's a big one. And then if you don't decide to introduce discipline to your life, right now, the small incremental steps, you will have to face discipline in the future, and it will just keep getting harder. Yeah. And and so instead, you know, be proactive, instead of having discipline punch you in the face down the road. I talked to so many men, and they wake up one day, and their wives are like, I love you, but I'm not in love with you here's your divorce paper. Yeah. And then like, I can't understand how it happens. And it's like, Dude, seriously, we could sit down and talk about your life and understand how this happened. Right? This does not happen just randomly. Couple, you know, a couple falling out of love. It's just, we stop paying attention to our relationship. And so now it's like, well, I need to fix this. And it's like, no, you don't actually you need to slowly start to rebuild. And it starts with rebuilding yourself to rebuild your relationship and really come to terms with the fact that you know, maybe that's not gonna work out. But the reality is, is that you need to stop Searching for the pill, the quick, easy fix, that's gonna solve all your problems. And instead, take slow incremental steps. And the really important part here is if you're clear about why you're taking these steps, well, then you know why it's important for you to do these loving actions to your partner, why it's important for you to spend time with your kids, etc. If you're really clear about that, and it comes from a place of love or a place of duty, it's going to be easy to sustain that over time. But if you're just doing something to try to avoid an outcome that you fear, well, the problem is is one that outcome that you fear goes away, the habit goes away, right? So if you're just trying to prevent your marriage from ending, well, then if your wife's like, okay, maybe I'll think about it. Well, now the foot, the pedal comes off the gas, and you're like, Oh, I guess you know, my marriage might not be ending. I'll just, let's just go back to old habits, right? Instead of thinking about what is the life I want to create, what is the relationship I want to create, how I move towards that, and whether or not my partner is willing right now to jump in, jump on board, I am still going to continue to move towards that I will still be this man, I will still be this woman, I will still create these healthy habits, right in order to keep the integrity of the relationship alive. Absolutely.