How to Support your Partner with Tough Decisions

Eric and Kate discuss the best ways to support your partner when they're faced with difficult decisions.

Topics:
➡️ Understanding the natural "fix it" mentality in men and its impact on relationship dynamics.
➡️ The importance of collaborative decision-making and aligning choices with personal values.
➡️ Building empowerment and self-trust through secure attachment and unconditional support.

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TRANSCRIPT:

Eric MacDougall
Today we're talking about how to help your partner when they have tough choices to make. So essentially, when your partner is facing challenges, you want to support them and they're struggling. Yeah. And you want to support them?

Kate MacDougall
How to support them like a swing? Yeah. What? I don't know if the analogy I have in my head.

Eric MacDougall
So I want to say like what people typically do, and I'm talking, I'm talking to men here, but you can tell me that the woman's tell you that perspective. So you know, your partner is maybe dealing with a challenge work dealing with the challenge of parenting, maybe they think they're probably parents, because they're they don't like the way they're showing up whatever the case, right? So we all struggle, we all have these internal voices in our heads that we call like the head voice but kind of gets in your way. It's very the inner critic, right? So it's very critical of you. And we all struggle. What's the best way to support your partner? Now a lot of people they typically do is they try to help their partner make a decision. That's like the go to right. This is like the men, the righting reflex and men, this is like men want to fix this stuff. That's kind of their thing. So maybe the example. You've been talking about this career change a lot going on. And you've had a lot of thoughts going on. Right? A lot of thoughts taken, taken a lot of your bandwidth.

Kate MacDougall
My vice principal listens to this.

Eric MacDougall
All right, totally, totally awesome. And to see you in that state is tough for me, right? Because I see that you're struggling and like all couples, right? If you love your partner, you don't want to see them struggle. So I see you struggling. And it's very hard for me to just regulate myself and some I reflex from trying to help you make a decision that I think will end your struggle. Yeah.

Kate MacDougall
And I think it's like not, is it? Are you wanting to make a decision for me like Kate, just do X? So

Eric MacDougall
no, I want you to make a decision. But I typically what people really want to influence it, they engage with you, right? And the way that they engage with you because they have the belief that if you can make a choice, you're not going to stay in this like uncomfortable limbo of thinking of all your options. And again, this is a very bad way of thinking because as men, we love closing loops, right? So we love making decisions. I'm not saying that this is women said love your perspective. But in that case, what happens in my mind is like, if I can help Kate make a choice, and then she just says, Yep, I'm gonna go this way. My belief in that moment is that you're going to stop worrying about this, because now the choice is made.

Kate MacDougall
Right? Yeah. And it's true. It's true. Like that does help. When a choice is made. And I can say, Okay, I've made the choice. Now I can stop like hemming and hawing about it. And

Eric MacDougall
this is where we get in trouble. Yeah. Because what you're saying, This is what men think, too. And that's why they try to be so engaged, and kind of give you all the answers tell you what you should do ask a million questions. The new thing like, you know, it's like, Do this, do that do this? What about this? What about that? You should try this, you should do that. Stop doing this. I'm doing that. That's like what we do. Right? So the question is, is that helpful? When I tell you everything you should be doing to make choices?

Kate MacDougall
I don't know. I think I think what I want more is honestly I think I want I would love to sit with somebody and just jot down a, you know, highs and lows with the pros and cons pros and cons list and what have somebody sit there with me and help me come up with pros and cons. And like, talk it out and think of like, okay, Kate, what are your life values here? Let's talk it out. Like what is it that really means a lot to you? What are your career values? Like what is it that means a lot to you and your career and then come up with my values. And then after that we would sit together and then we would look at my pros and cons list and then we would see how my life values fit into that pros and cons list and then we would talk about it for a long time. And then about a year from then we would still be talking about it and then I would make a decision. Would you Well no, I mean, that passed. It's already passed. What my plan it took too long. Yeah. So I yeah, I that's what I want to do. I would love to sit with somebody and do a pros and cons list. I would love to sit with somebody and talk about the my values and all of these things. I would love to do that for hours and hours on

Eric MacDougall
end. So I love that you're saying this, because this is the challenge that couples get into?

Kate MacDougall
Well, you see, I think this is very feminine of me. Because every girlfriend that I've talked to, they're like, come up with a pros and cons list. And I'm like, girlfriend helped me so

Eric MacDougall
So I absolutely love that you're saying this, because I want to entertain this thought process and what I think would happen next, but we're gonna work through it go on. So you're like, I want to do this pros and cons list. Whatever we end this podcast. That sounds great. Tori, I come to you. And I say, Hey, Kate. So we're gonna sit together right now. And we're gonna go through that pros and cons list.

Kate MacDougall
Yes. Oh, man,

Eric MacDougall
he's so excited. Okay, so again, that's what you think. So, um, we're actually going to do this. We're doing what I have experienced. And what I hear a lot of people who I coach and work with experience is, when they do that, there's resistance from their partner. I don't really have time to do that right now. I don't I don't want to talk

Kate MacDougall
more, I wouldn't be more resistant. If some of the cons you would come up with, I'd be like, well, that's not really a con for me. You're like, Well, yeah, but except that you complain about it a lot, Kate and I'd be like, Yeah, I know. But it's not that bad. Yeah. And like, it's like, honestly, the decision is made in my head. This is the problem with making any kind of decision. The decision is made in my head. And I think that's what happens. But it's I just need everybody in my life to tell me that that's the right decision I've made right. So

Eric MacDougall
so All right. This is like your I feel like biting. You're taking the bait, I feel kind of buried. In French. You're like walking down this paved road that I've already paid. You hate that you hate you always think I'm leading you down, though

Kate MacDougall
you are leading.

Eric MacDougall
So what I want to say and this is really important people understand because what you're talking about here, which is I want other people to reaffirm that I'm making the right choice. Yes, yeah. So very, very common. That's what we seek in life. The problem is, is that even if you had people who reaffirm the right choice to you, you would still question whether or not it's the right choice. Right? Oh,

Kate MacDougall
man, if when I make this choice tomorrow, which that's my deadline, it's tomorrow, when I made this choice, moral, whatever choice I choose, I'm going to be like,

Eric MacDougall
right. And so this is this is actually my whole point, this episode, is that as a partner, your ultimate goal in a relationship is to empower your partner and remind them, right, because it's inside them, but remind them that they have the power to create an amazing life if they want. That's in them. Yeah. And so in this moment, right, when you're saying like, I want them to affirm me, what would actually be more helpful is that you wouldn't need that affirmation to be able to make a choice in the long run, and then you would have enough self confidence. And you would have enough knowledge of self and you would have enough self trust, that you wouldn't be able to make a choice on your own. And then be confident that that is a choice.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And you know what, it's so funny, because what I think about isn't, when I think about the decision, I may or may not make, my first thought isn't, how is this going to impact Eric, how's this going to impact the family? Because I have had that support from you in making this decision. You have told me time and time again, I trust you, I trust that whatever decision you make, will be the right decision for this family will be a decision that is, you know, something that is good going to be good for you. So it doesn't matter what decision you make. I trust you to make the right decision. And because you've said that to me so often. There isn't a part of me. That's like, I hope I don't disappoint Eric. And whatever decision I make. Yeah, there is no thought that goes through my head to think that because I have had your support from the get go. Yeah. And

Eric MacDougall
there's another part to this to sort of jump in, because you've done this to me too often. Which is why I've been so bold with my career choices, which why I've been able to start my own business, is that what we do in our relationship is like this, I'll be with you no matter what type of thing right? So very much like you're talking with his career. And I'm like, Babe, no matter what you choose, I'm with you. And so like, if you struggle, we struggled together, and we figure it out. That's it, even

Kate MacDougall
if like I decide to, you know, stay in this position, change its position, whatever, like, it doesn't matter. Because I know that in the end, like my home, my safe haven where I come back at the end of the day, isn't going to be impacted by

Eric MacDougall
this. And that has a lot to do with secure connection. Right? Absolutely. What we're talking about when you feel secure in a relationship, you're able to make those bold choices. And so if you really think about it, the reason this is so important and that there's there's so much knowledge around this is that this is ideally what we want to do for kids. Right? And so if you think about it What you want to instill in your kids is the sense of confidence empowerment, that they can make choices of self trust. That's what you want to get the kids do, and the way that you treat your kids, and the way that you empower them, and the way that you help them make choices, and then, you know, like, raise awareness around their mistakes and tell them, they're good anyways, even they make mistakes, you can raise kids that way, typically, you raise resilient, confident kids who are kind to want to make choices. But that doesn't stop, you can do that with your partner. If every time your partner makes choice, you're critical of them. Like, why did you do that? Why did you make that choice? Well, eventually, there's just going to be like, well, now I'm afraid to make choices all the time. Yeah. And so if you're able to, instead, you know, instill confidence and say, Hey, like, I know, this is a tough choice, but I trust that you're gonna make a great choice. And no matter what happens, we're gonna be together, we're gonna figure it out. And so just go with your gut, right hasn't really been wrong before. And again, if you know, the growing pains of this new position are tough. We'll figure it out together.

Kate MacDougall
That's it and understanding that, like, Hey, I'm here with you, no matter what, like, obviously, you're not in my career, you can't be in my classroom, living day in and day out. But when I do come home, I know that you're going to be there. And if this choice that I make isn't the right choice, you're gonna be there, you're gonna hold my hand, you're gonna be like, shoot, like, I will get through this, we'll get through this next year together, again, just as we did this year, and it'll be fine. You know, like, so. I think that when it comes to supporting your spouse, and making a decision, no matter what, that decision, and whether it's a career decision, whether it's a decision to start something, and something, whatever, even

Eric MacDougall
if they're like questioning themselves, as a parent, as a father, as a mother,

Kate MacDougall
I think the biggest thing is just to be kind to be that cheerleader behind them to just let them know like, no matter what I am here, I will catch you, if you fall, I will catch you. If you rise to the top, I will be there, you know, celebrating and just being right by your side, and so proud of you. And I think that in our relationship, a lot of the things that we do now and where we're at now, we wouldn't be fair. Had we been those cheerleaders for each other? Having if we hadn't, you know, told each other like, go for it, do it? I'm here, do it.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, of course, like, the reality is that I don't think that we would still be married, if you didn't believe that there was still good in me. Yeah. Right. And that's kind of the reality of like, the big thing here, but yeah, that trickles down to everywhere. Because oftentimes, when I feel low, and I have the inner critic, and I'm questioning myself, and I'm really down on myself, like sometimes like borderline despair, right? It's like, why am I doing this? You know, having these existential crisis is, you're there to say, hey, like, you know what to do? Okay, you're an amazing Dad, you're a great leader you're providing for us. Like, you've never been wrong before Eric. And together, we've created an amazing life. And so don't doubt yourself. Yeah.

Kate MacDougall
And even in the season of your life, where you doubted yourself the most, right, where you were at your lowest, you had hit rock bottom. There was a part of me that knew that I absolutely knew. This Eric that I see right now is not the Eric I know, it's not the Eric was that his full potential. I know, there's an Eric inside of that one, that he's just not letting the world see. And that is what helped me stay in this marriage and push and strive to continue working towards it and putting energy and time towards it. And so, in that time of your deep struggle, where you need my support the most even though I absolutely despise you as a human being, I was like, I can see past this, you know, shell of Eric, that is, you know, the mean abusive, angry, Eric. And I can see deep deep down inside his heart and that was the part of me that I was like, I can support that part of him. So it doesn't matter. You know, like, you know, we're talking of something so simple as like a career change. How do you support your partner in a career change? What how do you support your partner when they are absolutely at their dead worst? And they're struggling to just, you know, wake up in the morning? Yeah, that's that's when your partner needs your support the most then it doesn't change. supporting them in those times supporting them in career changes. It's the same thing you need to make your partner are known, it needs to be known to them. I am here for you. And I remember saying that you I remember being like, Eric, nobody else in this world sees you the way I see you, and you don't even see what I see in you. Yeah. And

Eric MacDougall
I think too, like when I start, think about all the ways we can support each other and like, kind of simplify where we're saying, you know, oftentimes, when we're really struggling as individuals, what we really need is not the solution, we don't need somebody to tell us what to do a

Kate MacDougall
pros and cons list, you don't need that. We don't try

Eric MacDougall
that. But what I think what we all really need in the end is for somebody to believe in us or somebody to believe that there's good in us and that, you know, and to really witness that part of us. Yeah, and

Kate MacDougall
to trust that. If I rise, if I reach for the stars, and I fall, because it happens, sometimes you reach for the stars, and then you fall and it hurts, it really, really hurts. But to know that I have that person, and that person is my spouse, that person is the person I chose that I know they're standing there with a safety net, and love and a full heart and absolute, unconditional on changeable love for me. Even though I just fell flat on my face, like more on me. I still know that, wow, okay, this person caught me, they've got me. And there's no better feeling in the world than knowing that I have that person for me.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I love that. And so if you kind of we wrap this up, right, this idea of like, being having secure attachment in your relationship, believing in your partner telling them that you're gonna be there no matter what and, and that you're by their side, right, that idea of secure attachment. What it actually does is it helps your partner stretch themselves to be more bold to make those tough choices, to face those tough challenges. And I always bring this back, you know, because again, I've done a lot of reading on being a dad and trying to be a great dad. But if you really think about it, the more a kid thinks that you're safe, and that you're that safe space. Well, the more bold that kid can be, and the more distance they can create from you. Right. And so there's that idea of like, when a kid's walking away from you, and they're young, they always kind of look back, but now we have like a 10 year old. And he's not he's gonna be 10 this year, but he doesn't look back when he goes away, you know, because he trusts that we're gonna be there. So he's like, I'm peace. See you later. Like I'm leaving. And he trusts

Kate MacDougall
me. And so, so,

Eric MacDougall
yeah,

Kate MacDougall
wait for me, I know that he just

Eric MacDougall
bolted, like miles ahead of us. And I was like, What are you doing? Why do I have to wait for you, you should be waiting for me. So what it's the same idea with your partner, if they feel like you got their back, if they feel like you believe in them, if they feel like you know that they're secure with you, well, then what's gonna happen is they're gonna be able to make that bold choice. So you don't need to fix it for them. Hey, if you want to sit down and do a pros and cons list, sure, that's great, if that helps. But in the end, what's more important is that you help your partner believe in themselves. And the best way to do that is to encourage them, to praise them to reaffirm that you got their back, and that they know what to do and to just trust your intuition and fucking go for it.