Intimacy and Connection Quickfire

In this episode, Kate & Eric answer questions about Intimacy and connection, quickfire style!

Topics:
➡️ How to stay connected when you're tired or stressed
➡️ The small gestures that make you feel loved and seen
➡️ How to initiate sex and create playful energy in your relationship

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TRANSCRIPT:

00:16 Hello, Evolve Nation. I gotta see if that's copyrighted though, cause, uh, it seems like it's a popular thing. I feel like Evolve Nation is copyrighted, but I feel like it's ours. 00:25 Yeah. We're using it. Cool. Um, today we're going through quickfire questions again, uh, but the theme this time is all gonna be about intimacy and connection. 00:35 Talk about my favorite subject. I know, you do love intimacy. Into me you see. You know, it's funny because sometimes I think about, you know, we talk about sexual connection, a lot of times people People think intimacy, they think sex. 00:48 Uh, which is not the case, by the way. Um, but, uh, for me, especially lately, man, I even feel kind of a little masculine saying this. 00:58 I kind of like the, like the intimacy part of it. Lately I've been liking the emotional intimacy. I've been liking connecting with you, talking with you, laughing with you, opening up to you. 01:10 I think you've been the one lately that's like, can we just like, you know, get down to it. DTF type of thing. 01:16 Like, can we just stop talking? Get her done. It hasn't felt that way for you, obviously. Or are you just blushing because you're embarrassed that the truth is out there? 01:24 No, no, I don't care if the truth is out there. You know what, women, you, if you want, if you're DTF, you should do it. 01:32 Yeah, should be proud of it. be ashamed of it. With your partner. Yeah. I mean. In a consistent way. If you have a partner. 01:38 Yeah, in a consenting way. Otherwise, do it with everyone. I mean, if we're being honest, like with a man like this in the house, how do you get anything done? This is a surprise to me. OK, so you're so right. Let's go some quick fire. What do we got here? 01:51 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. Quick fires. Yeah. And all from. Did you already say this? Yeah, last time I put a post. 01:59 So, yeah, we'll do these every now and then, but essentially, like we just put a Q&A, give us some quick fires and people ask a bunch of questions. 02:04 Yeah. And even if there's no post, just send us a message with your question. Love, love questions. All right. So the first one. 02:11 This is a great one, actually. How do you keep your sex life alive when you're both tired or stressed? Oh, my God. 02:17 You don't No, I'm kidding. No, but, but, but honestly, honestly, sometimes when. When you're stressed or tired, it's not about, because like, it's always, I can, I heard it now, I heard it in my head. 02:33 Just gonna say that. Yep. It's sex. Oh, how, how do you keep having sex? I'm so tired. I'm so distressed. 02:38 I can't have sex. And it's like, that's not intimacy. A lot of times we keep our sex life alive and we're not having sexual intercourse. 02:44 Yes, exactly. Like I would say our sex life is sex life. Oh my god, Kate. Our intimacy life is alive pretty much 99% of the time because we're touching, we're kissing, we're speaking, we're asking each other questions, we're getting to know each other, we're, on days where we're just really exhausting 03:09 , exhausted, it's like we'll just sit in bed together. And, like, just, like, have our hands on each other. Like, to us, that's, that's sometimes just as far as our intimacy will go, but it does make a difference because, you know, like, you just went away on a weekend trip with the guys, and I was in 03:28 bed, and I was tired, and I just was, like, reaching over, and I was like, oh no, like, where's my earring? 03:34 Yeah, I think, too, like, I love what you're saying because, you know, pressure is often the thing that's causing your intimacy life to dwindle, right? 03:46 And so, when you're, when you're tired and stressed, and then your partner adds it, like, hey, we're not having sex, we need to be having sex, we need to be connecting more, you know, we need to keep more intimacy, that type of pressure Adds to your stress. 03:59 Yeah, often adds to your stress, which is a break. Right? Takes away from your intimate life. And so, I think that we have been really good at not pressuring each other to do something we don't want to do. 04:10 Yeah, and I think something that I could be better at Communicating with you, like, hey, I Miss having sex with you. 04:21 I would love to have sex with you. I know we haven't had sex in a while Uhm, but, I just, right now I'm having, I'm going through it at work or whatever, like, the kids are tough or something, like, but Reminding your partner, like, how much they are desired and how much they are wanted, it's just right 04:43 now, like I can't, I just don't have it in me to have sex with you, but I would love to kind of cuddle with you on the couch, or if you could give me a massage, that would feel so nice, like, here's other ways, yeah, I'm like, here's some other ways you could, like, be intimate with me, that I would 04:58 feel comfortable with you touching me, but, I'm just not feeling good right now, and, and, just by saying that, by saying, like, hey, I know we haven't had sex in a while, but, by, like, having that conversation, and being open about it, and, and, being like, I notice it, I'm not gonna pretend it's not 05:21 there, we both know it's there, we're not having sex, we've been on, like, a sex hiatus for, like, maybe a couple weeks, maybe a month, maybe a couple months, but, like, don't let it get that far, like, as soon as you notice, like, you start thinking, wow, we haven't had sex in a while, say that out 05:35 loud, wow, babe, we haven't had sex in a while, I know, I know, and it's been so tough, and, it's not because I don't want to, like, I love you, and I desire you, but, you know, things aren't going well, here's how we can be intimate in a different way. 05:47 Yeah, I think that's so powerful, and, and, I think that is the way that we keep our sex life alive, so, you know, oftentimes, we're, you know, having sexual intercourse, we're, we're, uh, doing a lot of sexual play in the bedroom, but when we are both really tired and stressed, what often does it for 06:01 us is, like, you're saying, like, sometimes it's just intimate for us to be reading together in bed, right, you're reading your book, or you're watching your show, I'm reading my book, watching my show, and we're just close to each other, touching each other. 06:10 Yeah. We, the other thing, too, is, like, we shower together, so, oftentimes, when we're feeling disconnected, we just shower together, and it's not even that, like, we're doing anything sexual in the shower, it's just we're in close proximity, we're naked, we're touching each other, we're in the hot 06:22 water, right, like, we're just close, and sometimes that does it. Also, it helps that our shower is, like, big enough for, like, a half a person, so we're, like, forced to be really stuck on each other. 06:32 Yeah, maybe that's the secret. So, another secret is, like, don't get a big shower, or a king-size bed, because if you have a twin bed, you have to sleep together together. 06:41 Yeah, that'll make or break your marriage. King-size beds, no bueno. I know, people love king-size beds. I know, and I would miss you so much. 06:49 I know, it's like, hey, I gotta call you, like, get your butt over here. Just text me. Alright, what's one small gesture that makes you feel loved by your partner? 06:58 Oh, this is a good Oh, that's a cute question. Yeah, you should ask your partner this, actually. Um, one small gesture that makes you feel loved by your partner. 07:06 For me, it's, like, when you, when you, like, when you, like, your thumb, like, on my ribs, or like, like the other the day, like, we're hugging me, and you were, like, you had your, like, thumbs, like, below my ribs, you were, like, rubbing below my ribs. 07:19 This is the first time I noticed that, but I was, like, wow, because it's such a, like, I get hugged all the time. 07:26 Like, I'm a teacher. Like, I get thousands of hugs per day. And also, I'm French, so me and my coworkers touch each other a lot. 07:35 We hug each other, like, all the time. Like, I hug a lot of people during the day. So, to receive a hug or a touch from you, for it to be different than it is with the thousands of kids that touch me every day and the other adults, uhm, it has to be in a way that's different. 07:56 And so, for me, like, having your thumbs rub along, like my ribs. It's, like, at a part that's a little close for any of my co-workers to be touching, my siblings, my friends. 08:09 It's a little more of an intimate spot without it being, like, on any of my sexual organs. So, to me, that that's, like, a very, like, loving, intimate thing. 08:20 It's, like, or, like, just, like, my hips, like, uhm, like, just, and there's something about the thumb. Maybe it's just because it's, like, such a gentle touch. 08:29 Mm-hmm. Yeah, I would say that's a nice touch. I like that. That's the first time I've heard that one. Well, you know what? 08:33 It's because you did it the other day, and I was, like, I really like this. And I know that a gesture doesn't necessarily mean to be touched. 08:39 It could be, like, an act or something you do, but that's the one that's coming to mind for me right now. 08:44 Yeah. two. I have two. I had one that immediately, and I think I've told you this a million times, is, like. 08:48 All right, so I'll move to the second one. I didn't even think of that one. I don't, you know, I don't know if that makes you feel loved as much. 08:58 Well, you know, I didn't think you'd just jump right into it. Anyways, um, so for me, and I've talked to you about this, is, like, like, the visual of, like, me being at the kitchen sink, right? 09:07 Like, I spend a lot of time in the kitchen, and when you come up behind me and just, like, hold me, Yeah, I don't know. It kind of stops me in my tracks. 09:15 Like, it's very much, like, You do. I hear you deep, deep sigh. Yeah, so that's something that you do that, that really makes me feel cared for and comfortable, which is really nice. 09:28 Um, and you often ask me to go to bed with you. Yeah. I, you know, sometimes it's, like, you know, I say no, and it's annoying because it's, like, I don't want to go to bed. 09:38 It's time, but, um, when you stop doing it, well, because I'm like, I, you know, I have things to do and I'm so busy, you know, like, but, um, yeah, but there, there's been like times when we were, you know, disconnected or in a fight or an argument and you'd, like, stop for a couple of nights and I'm 09:54 like, oh yeah, I miss It's nice to be like, hey, it's nice to be annoyed. Right. Yeah, that's a small thing you do. 10:01 like you often. Ask me to come to bed with you. Yeah, I was going to say, now that you mentioned that, it makes me think when you, when you ask me to come hang out with you, like, if you're like, babe, you want to come and sit on the couch with me and watch your show or maybe you want to do this. 10:16 I'm like, those three times a year must be nice for You to hang out with me? Those three times a year? 10:20 Yeah, maybe one time a year, maybe three times a year is a little too Generous. Oh, I'm sorry. That's why it's so nice when it happens. 10:29 Cause I'm like, oh my God, it's only going to happen next year again. It's like a solar eclipse. Okay. Every freaking 20 years. 10:36 Note to self, get better at this. I gotta, I'm going to listen to this episode again. All right. What's your go-to way to create sexual tension or playful energy? 10:48 I'm not saying this! This is my secret. I'm not moving on. No, no, we have to, we have to say this one. 10:56 This has got to be wrong. We got to be real here. Okay. People are listening to this. I'm I'm truly like a cat in heat. 11:04 I walk around with my ass sticking out. I'm like, are your yoga pants getting tighter? What is going on? I like buying smaller sizes. 11:14 Give myself a yoga pant wedgie so that my ass cheeks are like, more pronounced. I got to say this. I want the truth from you. You already know what I'm going to say? 11:25 Oh my God. Okay. No. Okay. So yesterday you, you know what I'm So I'm glad you noticed. 11:36 You were like on the bed. I was like, just do this. I'm doing my thing. And you're like on the bed in this like position. 11:41 I was like, I was like busy. I was busy doing stuff. And then I was like, what is going on over there? I was pretending to stretch my back. Oh my God. I was like, well, I'm not getting anything done. 11:58 Okay. So we know how you keep things. I keep things. to do. I just, I just act like a cat in different positions. 12:05 It's so embarrassing. And sometimes I do it and I'm like, I wonder if he even notices it. Oh my God. 12:12 Yeah. But it's like, have you ever seen like a, uh, this sounds so gross, but like a horny cat, like a cat in a heat. 12:18 Rubbing up against people. They're like rubbing up against people. They've got like a curved back, their butts up, their tails up. 12:24 Like that's pretty much me. If I had a tail, my tail would be like, bing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's me. 12:29 I'm a cat. Nice. I like this. What's my go-to way to create sexual tension? You know, I think, uh, I could be wrong here, but I have recognized that you like a little bit more like aggression sometimes. 12:40 Yeah. So I find that that's what I bring. Like I bring a little more force. I, you know, a little more muscular. 12:47 I, what? This makes me sick. Okay. So, so that's one thing that I notice is like, when I want to bring more tension, uh, there's a little more intensity of like, I desire you. Stop. What? Okay. All right. We can move on. We're good. Yeah. Yeah. You just let the cat out of the bag. Let the cat out of 13:07 the bag. You didn't purposefully do that. Okay. Okay. No, but no, but okay. Okay. Let's go back to this one. 13:12 And I think that, Do you think it's important for you to know that me acting like a cat is me? 13:20 Maybe a little bit. I think so. Like, do you think that it's important for me to tell you that, like, that was a position? 13:25 Yeah. Yeah. I was trying to get your attention there. Yeah. I think that's nice. Yeah. I think you want to, like, openly like, I think some kind of mystery is kind of cute. 13:33 Like, yeah. But if I'm like, just obliviously not noticing, I'm like, oh, okay. He's got a sword. Like, you know, you probably want to bring it up. 13:42 It's totally oblivious. Oh my god, I'm snorting so Okay, so, so anyways, let's move on because we have a lot more to do here. 13:49 Oh my god. Okay, but that, that's it. But yes, I do think it's important to not only share with your partner, like, hey, this is how I bring playful energy and stuff, but also to say what you want. 13:59 Like, and what you like. Because sometimes, like, I'm sure you're doing things, and if I was like, hey, it's kind of weird that you're always, like, walking around like Yeah, like, if you were, like, walking behind me and, like, gently kissing my neck and stuff, I'd be like, stop, that tickles. 14:09 Yeah, you know what I mean? I don't like that, you know what I mean? But, but yeah, I do like that you do all this stuff, the positioning. 14:16 Okay. All right, so. My contortionist. What does emotional intimacy look like for you? Emotional intimacy, I think for me, I think one of the key phrases you often say that really makes me feel. 14:32 I think emotional intimacy for me is all about safety. I think it's emotional intimacy. If I feel safe, I'm feeling emotionally intimate with you. 14:44 Okay. Does that make sense? In a sense, I mean, sometimes Sometimes you feel safe and you don't feel, oh, actually, I need to move it, right? 14:51 No, but I feel like more open to it. So one sentence you say often is you'll often say, it's okay if that's how you want to feel. 15:02 It's okay if this is how you want to show up. It's like you, you give me permission. So like, say I'm like having a bad day and I'm really cranky and really, like, like, curt You're a little critical. 15:14 Yeah, critical, maybe a little rude. Like, you'll come up to me and you'll say like, Hey, it's okay if you want to be cranky and act this way and treat people like shit today. 15:26 But like, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna go for a walk with the kids if this is how you're going to be. 15:33 Yeah, sometimes it's like, yeah, maybe opening up. It's like, it's impacting us. Yeah, like it's impacting us. It's impacting us. 15:37 And it's okay if you want to be this way. But like, here's, here's my limit. And I think to me, that's so like, intimate because I'm like, wow, he like, really sees me. I didn't have to say anything. Like you're seeing right through me. 15:52 I might as well be naked in front of you. Um, and also like, you're fully accepting me for me and not trying to change me. 16:01 Yeah, it's like, this is your home. You, you can be angry, sad, annoyed, critical if you want. We're just going to create a bit of space if you're going to, you know, do it to us. 16:08 And so to me, that's emotional intimacy because I live in a world and I think we all live in this world where we have to wear masks all the time. 16:19 Like I can't show my true emotion at work. I can't show my true emotion with a lot of the people in my life. 16:27 I have to wear a mask and smile and everything's okay. And so when I come home and have those days where I'm just being a brat, like I understand it has an impact on you, but also like how nice is it that I do have a place in my life where I can just be a brat and, and, you know, and for you to completely 16:50 accept it. To put healthy boundaries around it and then to say like do what you want Kate, but you know I love you, and you'll say that I love you, but I'm just not gonna stay around if you're gonna keep being a brat. 17:05 And I think, you know, we have gotten much better, you know, talk about like being together a long time and kind of understanding each other. 17:11 I think there's times now we're like, like we don't even necessarily just talk We speak words at times, you know, it's like sometimes it's just like like today earlier. 17:19 Yeah, I was gonna say that, you know, it's like critical and Francis what he was doing kind of like control trying to you know, I think I think Francis can do it on his own you know, and then you kept going and I was like Kate I'm pretty sure Francis got this and I kind of looked at you and like with 17:35 like a like little smirk Yeah, and I was like, I'm gonna go to I'm gonna go take a nap I was gonna say, you know that moment I was kind of like hey like, you know, but I was like, yeah She's gonna hurt. 17:46 No, it's all good. So I think that's really important for me. You know, it's very different actually. Okay So I equate emotional intimacy to the ability For somebody to hold space for my suffering. 17:59 Mm-hmm. And so I I don't think that's very different Yeah, no, maybe not maybe not but one thing I reckon because you're right. 18:06 I do feel it's like I feel safe but like I even think about this like I have very emotional Emotionally intimate relationships with like a lot of friends a lot of men in my life with you like So like for me to be able to say like how I truly feel here's what's actually happening, right? 18:22 I'm experiencing shame. I'm experiencing Unworthiness, I'm experiencing powerlessness. I can just feel To be like really real. Okay, here's a fully authentically be yourself. 18:30 Here's the darkness inside you Yeah, and then or even the opposite way, right? Like I was with some men a couple weeks ago and I was just openly telling them Okay, I like I love you. 18:41 Like you you had so much value to my life. Mm-hmm. I truly love you and Wouldn't even want if I did love people I wouldn't feel comfortable to tell every man that but I love because sometimes they might be A little more one of my buddies, but it was like I tell you that I love you more than I tell my 18:56 dad It doesn't mean I don't love my dad. It's just that you know, you know, I feel more accepted. Yeah by you Yeah, and you know, you'll receive it better than my dad. 19:05 That's a great way to put it. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, so I think for me it's like to be able to be truly open especially about my suffering my struggles Mm-hmm creates a lot of emotional intimacy for me. 19:13 I love that who usually knows Initiate sex and has has it changed over the years. Well, this is a great one So I'd love to know too. 19:20 Maybe we can talk about how we initiate sex typically wait, that must be a question. Oh, maybe So who usually initiate sex? 19:27 What would you say? Would say you oh, you know, I would say I'm more overt you You initiate sex more like Hey, are we gonna have in a more sexy way Cuz if not, like I'm gonna book a massage Cuz they tell you to relax all the time you're like No, no, um, no, I would say you you definitely initiate it 20:08 more you talk about it more you'll bring it up like hey Like I'd love to try something new or hey, I'd love to do this. 20:14 Like you'll initiate conversations about sex more but I think I Think I think I don't know to say that I initiate it, but I think you've kind of Gotten to a place in our relationship where you're like the ball's in your court. 20:34 Like I always Eric says I always want to have sex. So let me know when you're open to it. Well, you know, that's not always true though Okay, I know you don't always want to yeah, but like, you know what And this is like the high desire low desire partner. 20:50 Yeah, like you're definitely I mean definitely the high desire partner. So even if you're not super feeling it that day Like and I'm like, hey, you're like, okay, I could like I could get into this. That's how you initiate. Hey Like yeah, like in a cat position with my tail up yeah, so I would say that 21:12 Think for me like I'm more overt because this is the thing right a lot of times I hear men's all time My partner won't initiate and the reality is she might be initiating in ways, but they're just way more Yeah, she might be in like in contortion on a bed. 21:22 Yeah wearing a certain pair of yoga like she's Partners wearing a red bra. She's initiating. No, right like You you know, it's like sometimes you initiate But it's like if you blink you miss it. 21:34 Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, and sometimes yeah, and that happened the other day I was like, hey, do you want to go in the shower and you were like, oh, no, I said let's go to bed and you were like, oh, no I think I'm gonna read here for a bit and I was like, Yeah, i'm just gonna finish this page and I 21:50 was like, all right moves over. See ya Like I was like that was me initiating been there gone. I like, yeah, I was like 30 minutes later I was like, so are we going to bed naked and you're just like tight jogging man? 22:01 Yeah, I was like new buddy. It's past. Yeah Yeah, and that for sure happens, you know, that wasn't my belt on. 22:07 Yeah But yeah, I do think that we need to you know, a great conversation with your partner is What does it look like when you initiate right? 22:15 Because it's true Sometimes like the partners just doesn't like maybe their responsive desire So they need you to initiate and you to bring pleasure for them to open up and that's fine Yeah, but I do think that yeah, like you initiate in a much more subtle way. 22:25 Like sometimes me initiating is just like We're in this Med together under the sheets and it's like you want to get naked Yeah, and that doesn't necessarily mean like hey, we're gonna have sex But it means like are you open and taking the steps? 22:36 Yeah, like oh, and if you're like, nah, not really it's like cool, you know, but if you're like, yeah, okay, it doesn't mean all yeah around sex but it means like, okay, this is a step. 22:43 Yeah, you know, it's enjoying being naked together. That's enjoy touching each other. Same thing like often say you want to make out Yeah, right like and then you're kind of laughing and I'm like, hahaha, you know, like and So now like introduces playful energy, which I think is really important. 22:54 Yeah, yeah, but I think, uh, to say who usually initiates I think you definitely more just because you're the more high desire one. 23:03 Mm-hmm, but I wouldn't say like, I don't at all. I just have a very much more subtle way of doing it. 23:09 Yeah, and it has changed over the years because I think in the beginning you initiated sex more often because I think you had an idea of like, uhh, uhh, Oh yes. Yes. 23:16 What your role was as a woman. Yes. It's like, I need to be this sexual person. And also we weren't living together so I was like, well I'm seeing my boyfriend like three times this week so we better have sex each time I see him because that's what girlfriends know. 23:31 Yeah. It's not, by the way, it's, it's not what girlfriends do. It's just what I thought. Right. And now you're like, ah, ah, gotcha. 23:37 Young kids listening. Ooh. Alright, next one. Um, what's something your partner does that makes you feel seen or safe? I think I answered that already. 23:49 I think that, that thing that I said of you saying like, hey, like, um, you have permission to be exactly who you are and setting the safe boundaries. 23:58 I think that's good. What do I do though? Well, I think we doubled up on this. I, I think you, you listening is really good. 24:03 Um. Yeah, like, sometimes you just listen to me and let me talk. Oh, yeah, yeah. You don't interrupt me. Which, which I think is really cool. 24:10 Oh, yeah, you talked about that in the last episode. Yeah, sometimes I'll, I'll, I'll, I'm just like talking at it. 24:13 I'm just working through my thoughts. Yeah. And I, I need somebody to be there to like, just like, even sometimes you're just pretending to listen to me. 24:20 Oh, my God. Not true. You present me with something to me. Sometimes we're in bed and I'm talking. Oh, and I- I'll sleep. 24:29 Well, then I'll stop talking. I don't realize. Okay, I take magnesium before bed. If you can't sleep, take magnesium. I swear it, like, knocks you out. 24:39 Sometimes I'll tell them I'm like, babe, I took my pills. I'm going. Yeah, you do tell me more now. Slowly dying here. 24:44 You're like, I'm falling asleep. And I'm like, and sometimes I truly am trying to listen. I'm like, and I can feel my body shutting down. 24:50 I'm like, okay, stay awake. He's really talking here. I'm glad you're telling me. You're being more honest. Yeah, that's important. 24:56 Alright. How do you ask each other for more connection when you're craving it? I just like stand around you and huff around you and then I get really annoying and I'm like, uh, like literally, I'm just like, nah nah nah nah nah, I make weird noises in your ear and you're like, uhh, yeah. Then I'm blocking 25:14 me off in the kitchen. Yeah. I'll be, I think, I think, and all in all, I think I just become really like silly and playful and then I'm like, start like locking you into bed. 25:26 Like, I don't say anything. Yeah, no, but that'll happen sometimes, yeah. Like, we'll book you in the bedroom and I'm about to like head downstairs to go do some stuff and you're just like, walking me. 25:33 Or be like, I'll be like a baby and be like, where are you going? I'm so cold. Yeah. And then you're like, okay. 25:39 I guess, oh, yeah. So- I'm sorry. So desirable. So I'll do this. So yeah. I just ask, it's like, I don't ask. 25:45 I don't. I just, I just try to guilt and shame you. Don't know. And act like an idiot until you're like, oh, fine. 25:49 Yeah. Stop annoying me. Yeah, I will say you're not really good at overtly asking, which I think is something that you could get better at, which would be helpful. 26:02 But I, I get it. When you're hovering, I'm like, okay. I, uh, Kate needs attention. Thank you. Yeah. So you, I, I got it. Why do I have to ask? 26:08 You get it. Yeah. How do I ask for more connection? I, I think I'm pretty open. Okay. I want to connect with you or hey, I want to have more fun with you. 26:17 Yeah. Yes. Yes. Can come off as a complaint? I think. Yeah. No. Okay. Yeah. No. Yeah. It comes off as like, not desirable. 26:26 It doesn't come off as like, Oh. Ooh. I want to do this for him. It comes off as like, needy a little bit. 26:32 Yeah. Yeah. What's an example? Like, I've been really feeling disconnected lately. I feel like we're lacking connection. Right. Like, these are conversations that come up and I'm like, okay. 26:50 Yeah. So. What would you like to do in connection? Yeah. What would you like to hear instead? Do you want to come sit with me? 26:55 I miss sitting with you. Can we watch TV together tonight? I miss being with you. I'd love to go to bed together tonight. 27:03 We haven't been going to bed lately. Yeah. Can you put this in your mouth? Can you? I made a special dinner for us. 27:11 I would love for us to- I went and bought out ingredients. I thought we could make dinners together instead of being like- We're not connecting. 27:18 We're missing connection. Create connection and invite me to it. Those are great ideas. You should do. I know. I'm a freaking awesome girlfriend. 27:25 Yeah, I know. I think that's really good. That really helps out a lot, actually. Thank you. Because I think, like, helps you and the listeners. 27:34 Yeah. Saying specific things that I want to do with you. Yeah. Instead of just saying, like, I'm feeling disconnected. And in my head, I'm always like, okay, so create connection. 27:45 But you know what I'm really asking? Do I want a b******? No, I'm asking like- I thought you were making a joke. 27:49 No, no, no, When I'm saying this, I'm really asking this for listeners. I know, sorry. I'm going from joke to not. 27:54 But, um, what I'm really asking is like, uh, hey, like, do you want to spend time with me? Like, am I, am I bothered to you? 28:03 Then, and then say, do you want- I have dinner with me tonight, and then I'll say no. Then you'll have your answer. 28:09 Be bold, be ballsy, I get it. Bold and ballsy, it's sexier than a mean, a little meek, Liam. Alright, I'm making funny, I'm sorry that I'm not nice. 28:15 Thanks. No, thanks, it's okay, it's okay, I take it in, I get it. I certainly could improve asking for things. 28:24 But if we are, you know, keeping the scoreboard, you don't ask at all. No, I'm still the one- No, your true excuse- Okay, last one. 28:32 What's one thing that's improved your sex life more than anything else? Oh, oh, I have the perfect answer. When we stopped, when I stopped, I don't know, did you ever do this? 28:43 When I stopped having sex out of obligation. When I decided that, when we decided together, when we made the promise- To each other, that we would only have sex, if and when we wanted it and desired it, and we're both into it, and that we would stop having sex, as soon as that desires went away. 29:08 Yup. That changed our sex life, like crazy. It was like, all of a sudden I started enjoying sex, all of- the sudden the sex we were having was actually really good, and then it opened up a lot more conversation about sex, because it was like, hey, like, I don't want to have sex, she's not having sex 29:31 with me, what can I do differently? So we started asking more questions, we started getting to to know each other in a more sexual way. 29:41 Umm, like, we didn't have to do that before, cause you would just be like, let's have sex, and I'd be like, okay, and then I'd have sex with you, and inside I was like, oh my god, I don't want to be doing this, I'm not enjoying this, and, and so when we stopped having sex out of obligation, or thinking 29:58 it was my, like, my wifely duty to have sex with my husband, well I'm a wife now, I need to have sex with him. 30:05 Yes. Our relationship to be healthy, like, yeah, I agree, and I think, you know, this is something I tell a lot of men, and, and I think sometimes I get hurts her ego a bit. 30:12 Sometimes you're like, my partner doesn't have sex and blah blah blah, and my first question is, uh, like, is it possible that the sex that you're having with her is not worth wanting for her? 30:20 Yeah. And I'm like, what? No, like, what? And I'm like, well I'm just saying, like, you know- Are you bunny-humping her leg, or are you truly making sure she- Yeah, it's like, it's like, I'm not- what I'm saying is, like, is the type of sexual connection that you're having, Yeah. 30:38 Because maybe it's actually- maybe it's just, like, boring, and she'd rather be watching TV, and that's okay, like, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with that, but I'm saying, like, that would make sense that she- your partner doesn't want to sex. 30:47 It might be something else, I don't know. Yeah. But it's really important, like, I mean, if your partner's experiencing pain or experiencing pain, that sex is not worth wanting. 30:52 One more thing. Yeah. If you're not experiencing pleasure, that's not sex worth wanting. Like, so really starting to kind of deconstruct and asking the question, like, hey, what type of sex is worth wanting for you? 31:03 Because- Yeah, and it's- it's- it's unfortunate. And then I'm sure there's some men that aren't enjoying the sex they are having, and they're not being open about it, but I think more often than not, it's the women, because it's a little less obvious when a woman isn't enjoying it, because they can- 31:17 and fake it better, and then usually what tends to happen is the men comes, and everyone's happy, and yay, okay, the girl's happy because it's done, and the guy's happy because he came. 31:27 But, um, I think a lot of people that I've known and have spoken to have, you know, have been in long-term relationships, and some women have been in relationships for, like- 10 years, 15 years, and have never been able to achieve o*****. 31:46 And I'm like, well, have you told your spouse about it? Have you told them that you want to have an o*****? 31:52 Have you told them how they can get you there? Have you guys explored it together? If this is not something you're able to achieve, like, that you don't even That's we're able to achieve it on their own. 32:02 Yeah. Not together with a partner, right? But it doesn't- necessarily feel the same, right? Like, so it's like, and a lot of women are like, no, they're- they're, like, don't seem open to having the conversation. 32:14 It's very vulnerable. Like, so it's like, this is something that happens a lot more often than we give it credit for. 32:21 And I think that you need to start thinking to yourself, like, is the sex I'm having good? Am I enjoying it? 32:28 And- and that's what happens- And to us, it was like, I wasn't- I didn't want to have sex anymore. I was like, I don't want to have sex. 32:34 I don't want to have sex. And- and I just realized, like, I'm just having sex because I think I need- I need to have sex. 32:41 And it wasn't that the sex we were having wasn't good. Like, it was just not the type of sex I wanted to have, or maybe not at the right time, or it wasn't- I don't even remember now, but- Just like, it was fine. 32:53 Yeah, it was okay. Yeah, it was okay. Yeah. And so when we started talking about it and we started exploring and exploring each other's bodies and, like, man, that changed our sex life. 33:02 And I think that's- that's a- something that a lot of couples are very afraid to have. Either based on, like, your family origin, how you're raised around sex, your beliefs around sex. 33:10 Like, I think this is so, so important, right? Is to help individuals deconstruct their beliefs about sex. Like, the amount of times- That, you know, women are- are indoctrinated as belief. 33:22 Like, there's something wrong with them because they don't desire sex. Like, I'm so sick of that. Yeah. And they literally, like, go to doctors. 33:28 And, like, doctors and therapists are saying, like, oh yeah, there's something wrong with you. You just need to, like, will yourself having sex. 33:32 And it's like, yeah. When you stop telling women that. Yeah, or even the other way around, on will themselves from having sex. 33:39 Some women have a very high sex drive. And, like, their partner can't keep up with them. So now they have to be like, oh my gosh, I'm a woman. 33:46 I shouldn't want to have sex. Like, that's weird for women. Yeah. And it's like, no, like, let's normalize that. Let's normalize being a powerful sexual woman with many desires and strong desires. 34:01 That's totally okay if that's you. Like- And let's open having normal open conversations- Mm-hmm. Like, this is one thing that I'll say, even like, in the Evolvements Collective, like, listen, these are high level dudes, right? 34:11 Mm-hmm. But to jump on a call with whatever, like, 20 men, like, whenever we openly talk about sex, it's uncomfortable. 34:18 Yeah. And this is like, I tell them this straight up. I'm like, hey, guys, like, it's uncomfortable to talk about your sex life. 34:23 I get it. Mm-hmm. But we have to practice here, like, in this safe space. And we're not talking about anything perverted or anything like that. 34:28 We're not even talking about, like, our partners. Oftentimes, we're just talking about our own securities, our beliefs around sex, you know, our expectations of sex, and things like that. 34:35 And sometimes, it's just important to get that out. Mm-hmm. And so, if you're, if you're unable to have, you know, a conversation about your sex life, find somebody trust, right? 34:44 Whether it's a therapist or a coach or a really good friend, and just start talking about it openly. Because I think just getting that out is really gonna help you. 34:51 Yeah, just getting used to, even just saying the word sex. Thanks for your words out loud, or the words of your, you know, sexual parts, like talking about those, like, just saying those words out loud. 35:02 Like, that is just a start for some people. Yeah, I want to say, if I can, because I know we're gonna try on time here, but I want to say one of the big things that has really changed for me, um, because I think, I think partners don't do this really well. 35:14 One of the things that I think really improved our sex life is I stopped taking responsibility for your- or sexual experience. 35:18 Oh, yeah. Right? You know what I'm talking about? Yes. Yeah, because this is a lot of men. This was like, this all kind of happened at the same time. 35:25 Yeah. Yeah. Because I think a lot of men were raised to be like, you gotta give a woman an o*****, if you don't have your failure, and you gotta make sure she's enjoying it. It's like this like, oh, I'm like a king because the women I have sex with really enjoy themselves. 35:37 Yeah, and I remember that was a conversation like, I gave her like, seven in a row. It was like, what? 35:42 Like, yeah. No, totally. That's like a, this idea of like, conflict. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so, I think for a long time in our relationship, I was like, Kate needs to have a good sexual experience. 35:51 So sometimes like, I laugh about it now. Cause it's kind of silly. But it was like, you know, you'd be satisfied. 35:57 Like, I was done. And I was like, hey, we like, we need to keep going here. And you're like, oh, I'm like, I'm good. 36:01 And I'm like, did you have an o*****? And you're like, no. And like, no. Like, we need to, we need to keep going. 36:05 You're like, no. Yo, just chill out. Like, I enjoyed it. Get off me. You know what I mean? Yeah. But there's so many men that like, no, I, I feel like a failure as a man. 36:14 Yeah. Unless you do something. I just like really had to work through. Like, I mean, like Kate have her experience. 36:19 I'm going to focus on my experience. And again, bring what I want. Yeah. And again, that was a conversation we had with each other was like, I promise I will tell you if I'm not enjoying this. 36:28 And I promise that I will find a to. Way to make this more enjoyable. So if there was a position that was hurting me or uncomfortable or just not doing it for me, like Eric knew that I was going to say like, Hey, let's switch it up. 36:45 Yeah. Like in the moment. In the moment. Not like after. Yeah. In the moment. Be like, Hey, that's not working for me. 36:50 Let's switch it up. Yeah. Um, and that, yeah, that was it. That was very. Thank Yeah. And because then what that did, your boundaries gave me the freedom to like push around one of the go, which I think made it more exciting for you. 37:01 You're like, Oh, wow. Like, this is new. This is different. Yeah. And it opened up like all these new doors. 37:06 We probably never would have dared to try because it was like, Hey, like, I don't know if she's going to like this. 37:13 So I'm not going to try it. And then like, sometimes you would like do something and I'd be like, Whoa, I kind of like. Like that. 37:18 I liked when you did that. And, and so, you know, just having that freedom to like try and trusting your partner and trusting, you know that they will tell you like, Hey, this isn't working for me or Oh, this is working for me. 37:33 Yeah. So I think really the greatest thing is just open communication about sex. Absolutely. Right. So we talked about these two things, but like really open communication about sex is very important. 37:41 Right. And so yeah. I hope this episode benefited you. Uh, next week we're going to talk about conflict a little bit more. 37:47 So we do some quick fires around conflict and then we'll get back to our regular programming and just offering you guys all kinds of great insight. 37:53 Uh, if you are on YouTube, please subscribe. Uh, give us a follow a like on this video. And if you are listening to this on Apple or Spotify, we always love just a rating or if you would really helps out our message. 37:58 Uh, and if you are a man who is looking to, uh, lead his marriage and family, in a healthier way using the Health and Masseyan leadership, uh, feel free to check out our website, evolvemarish.com. 38:11 You can jump in and apply for the Evolvements Collective and we can have a conversation about whether or not doing life with us. 38:16 Uh, in EMC is a good spot for you. Cheers. Bye. How's that? Good. Is that a side or do you want to power two more? 38:30 I know, let's do one more. Still got one in me. I say that and then I've returned to the last episode. 38:40 I'm like, bla bla bla bla. I'm tripping over my words. I'm like, oh shit. I should have probably stopped. While I was ahead. 38:47 It started at the beginning. I was like tripping over my words. I was like, shit, shit. My two times. It was okay. 38:53 That ended up being,