125. Rebuilding trust in 4 simple steps!

This week, Kate shares her love for the Backstreet Boys, Eric debates outsourcing parenting, and we dive into a powerful topic: Building Trust.

Topics:

➡️ The difference between getting someone to trust you and being trustworthy
➡️ Why focusing on trust is a choice (and not for everyone)
➡️ The best way to be consistent with your behaviour, NO MATTER WHAT.

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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Kate MacDougall
Today, we're talking about building trust.

Eric MacDougall
Yes, yeah. And for us, we kind of went through this, and we broke it down and four steps that I think were very important to us. So we talked a lot about this episode. And we're like, hey, how do we make it so it's really simple and easy to understand. But also, you know, if you kind of keep doing these things, you will build trust.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And I mean, you know, the idea behind this episode is also to share our experience, right? We went through things in our relationship in the beginning of our relationship, while beginning, midway through our relationship, where it was difficult, really difficult to, you know, build that trust, again, things had happened, you were drinking, we said words to each other, that were very, very harmful, very bad. We were lying to each other, showing up whenever we wanted to, like the dishonesty was insane. back then. And so in order for us when we chose to make this relationship a priority, and we when we chose to say, No, we're both all in, and here we go. Building trust was one of the most essential things we needed to do. Because by building trust, by having trust in your relationship, there is this very safe aspect with it's a way to build that safety back to say, hey, I can count on you again. And you can count on me.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and I think what we're talking about are the core of it. All right, is secure attachment. And this idea of like, Hey, we're securely attached. So when I feel I'm struggling, you're gonna be there for me, you're not going to judge me, you're not going to ridicule me and vice versa, right, I'll be there for you, when you struggle, we kind of have this secure attached partnership.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And then that builds into vulnerability and being able to sit in front of your partner and open yourself up, whether it be emotionally sexually, physically, whatever it is, right? Without that secure attachment. Without that trust, you're not going to have any of that in your relationship. And this is something that comes up often, in your men's groups, in conversations we have with couples, a lot of couples we know and a lot of couples that we speak to that trust is gone.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, yeah. And so today, we're really gonna be talking about how to rebuild trust. And really from from the perspective of the person who's actively trying to rebuild trust, right. And so what we're talking about here is, maybe there was a breach of trust or trust has been broken. One partner feels very guarded, while the other is trying to show up in a certain way that allows them to be trusting again,

Kate MacDougall
right. And I think it's important that we specify that unless the person understands and takes ownership of their side of the story and says, you know, hey, I, you're not the only bad guy in this relationship. I also messed up, I've done things that I'm not proud of. And I've done things to break your trust, because trust is a two way thing, right? Like, yes, sometimes your partner will do an action such as you know, happy, unfaithful, go, go find someone outside the relationship, maybe they're, you know, being dishonest about where they're going after work, whatever it may be, it could be a lie, it could be something like more of a lifestyle thing. Or it could also be, you know, things like us where it was just like, we were mean to each other for so long, we needed to trust that we could be kind to each other again. So either way, the partner, the reason this is about the partner, who is needing to build trust, again, is you can't tell your partner what to do. Like, you can't tell your partner like, hey, you need to build the trust again, like you can say that, but only they have the power to choose to do to want to build your trust again. Do you understand what I'm saying? It's kind of all over the place, but it's kind of our first tap like,

Eric MacDougall
yeah, yeah. And I think, you know, we kind of simplify it. The first step to building trust is to make the choice. Yeah, right. And I think what you're talking about here is that some people say, hey, how do I build trust again, how do I get my partner to trust me, but they don't actually want to be a trustworthy person. Like that's not a priority for them. In a lot of cases, they don't even have the depth of knowledge or awareness of that. It's just that they, you know, their priority is survival. right in comfort, right. And in that sense, right. And so they are guided by fear. And in those cases, they're gonna say whatever they can to either try to get back to their comfort zone, or prevent anything scary in the future. Exactly. And this is like, you know, classic, nice guy behaviors do this, like, like, there's a lot of people who tend to do this. But the first thing is, the person who wants to rebuild trust, has to choose, right, they have to say, I want to be a trustworthy person, I want to rebuild trust, with my partner to create secure attachment, if they could say that, but then to really make the choice and make the commitment to that is different. Because if you just want to rebuild trust, so that you can get something, or if you want to rebuild trust, or you can get your relationship to a certain place, so then you can get some reciprocity out of it. That is not a good way to build trust, that's not a good foundation.

Kate MacDougall
So what I was trying to say, I think it's just if your spouse isn't ready to make that choice, you can't push them to become trustworthy. You can't say like, Hey, you've got to do this than that. So I can trust you again. Because the first step to rebuilding trust is the person who is rebuilding that trust, needs to choose to actively, yes, I will be a trustworthy person, I will consciously stop doing the actions that are causing the distrust, and I am choosing to live differently. I am choosing to speak differently, to act differently, or whatever it is that broke the trust.

Eric MacDougall
That's right. Yeah. And this is what rebuilding that trust is built on. Right? This is the foundation is the commitment to building secure connection with, in this case, your partner, but really with anyone, right? It could be a brother, or a sister or parents like whatever. In this case, the person who wants to rebuild the trust and become a trustworthy person in the other person's eyes, needs to make the commitment to go down that path. Yeah, if you're not willing to make that commitment, or if you're just saying, Oh, well, you know, I want them to trust me, but not really at the cost of me opening up or me having to, you know, follow through on my behavior, or

Kate MacDougall
stop my stop going to the league, the sports league that I'm in that's causing this distrust, or stop working in the same office as this person that's causing, like, you, all of these things like this is a conscious decision that's going to have, you know, big changes coming into your life. That's right. And also making the choice that like, Yes, I'm building trust again. But this might take weeks, months, years, depending on your partner, depending on your actions, depending on what broke the trust, and what their baggage is their family of origin stuff are like, it doesn't matter, like it may take some time. So part of that choice is saying, This might take a really long time.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, that's right. And what I often kind of like wrapping up this first step of, you know, choosing to rebuild trust actively going down that path. What typically changes is what you desire can no longer be the top priority, right. And so if a person is is making choices based on either their desires, or their emotions, they are going to be very hard to trust. Right? And so and so exactly the case, you know, if you get into a place, and maybe your partner is constantly has has a really good friend that they flirt with all the time, and you're like, hey, you know, I don't really trust that person and your relationship with them. Well, now the person has a choice, right? They can say, Well, I actually just want to spend time with this person. And so I don't really care about secure connection between us because my priority is not that my priority is having fun. My priority is connecting with my friend, my priority. Is this

Kate MacDougall
not hurting them, but it doesn't I don't really care that I'm hurting you. Yeah. Or maybe

Eric MacDougall
I care, but it's certainly not the priority. Yeah. Right. And so that's something you're gonna have to live with. And a lot of people can't be honest about that. And so that's the choice, right? The choice is, I am committed to rebuilding trust. Therefore, I will do these other three steps. But without the commitment without the choice to rebuild trust. None of these steps matter. Absolutely. Right. Right. And so the second step is communication. Mm hmm. Right. And specifically, what we're talking about here is the way that you communicate about your commitments. Yes, right. What we really want to try to get away from is over committing from a place of panic.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and I find that that was, that is still something I fall into when we have when, when I feel I've done something wrong. I go into fix it mode. I go into well, what what do i What do you want me to do? What do you want me to do? And what I'm looking for is for you to give me that magic formula, that magic word that I can say that's going to make everything disappear. Yeah, that does disappear in the moment and there's this fear, right? I would like it to disappear for good But that doesn't happen, that doesn't exist. There's nothing you can say in that moment, you're hurt, your trust has been broken. So it's hard for you to say, Well, if you do X, Y, and Z, my trust will be, you know, I will trust you again. Yeah, you could probably say that. But there's nothing that guarantees that xy and z is going to be the catalyst to trust. It's worth a try. But then communication needs to be constant. It's not just a one time thing, like what can I do? Great. I did it. You trust me now? Right? That's not it. It's what can I do? To help build that trust? Again, I have committed to building our trust again, what is it that I can do that would help you feel more trustworthy towards me?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I feel more secure. And I think what often happens in these scenarios is, we don't necessarily ask a partner about that. Or maybe that we ask our partner and our partners responses. I don't know. I can't trust you right now. Yeah. So anything you do, it doesn't matter? Because and what they're saying there's some truth to it, right? Because one action does not rebuild trust. Now. Many actions over time that are consistent, will rebuild trust, right. And so, in the moment, when you ask your partner like, what can I do? There's they don't really have an answer for you. That makes sense, right? They might set the bar so ridiculously high, that you might actually not be able to

Kate MacDougall
quit your job. Okay, well, that no, I can't, I can't do right. And so

Eric MacDougall
now now you're in now you're in the challenge, where it's like, okay, well, then I can't trust you. Yeah, you told me what you needed. I told you what you need to do. Now you're not gonna do it, therefore, I can trust you. Yeah. And so you want to kind of stay away from that this idea of like, Hey, what are the these big things in the future that you need me to do? Yeah, what you want to step into as the person who wants to rebuild that trust, right? Who wants to be a trustworthy person, is you want to really be aware of over committing, because you want to start small. So it's the idea here is baby steps, right? And so it's very different to say, oh, you know what, like, I'm gonna rebuild your trust. So we're gonna go on one date a week for the rest of the year. Like, that's a big commitment, right? But if you say, hey, you know what I'm really trying to rebuild your trust. And the first step to doing that is to put a date, not on the calendar next week. And so that's my commitment to you, I will put a date out on the calendar and execute that, because you don't trust that I put our relationship and are love as a priority. And so the first step is to putting a date on the calendar. That's my commitment. Yeah. Right. And as you can see, you're committing to something that's simple, that's clear, that's attainable. And that is a step towards building trust.

Kate MacDougall
Exactly. And you know, instead of quitting your job, saying, Hey, I will be home at four o'clock, every single day, that's very different than I'm going to quit my job, I'll get out of that person's, you know, line of fires, oh, I'm just gonna, I'll be better, I'll be better. I'll quit my job, I'll find something else. And that's too much. Yeah. But to say, Hey, I'm gonna go in at eight o'clock every day. And I'm gonna come back at four o'clock. And sticking to those commitments. If you're doing that every single day, slowly, but surely that trust will rebuild. Yeah. And

Eric MacDougall
I think again, right, even in the sense that you shared it. And just to kind of poke holes at it, this idea of like, I'm gonna leave at this time at this time every day. I think you're already setting yourself up for failure. True.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. That's still a commitment. Because what if there's a meeting after work? What if something comes up? What if I get a flat tire on my way home? And then I can't communicate forgot my cell phone, whatever, like, then?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And so this is where, and this is what happens, right? When we're at a place where we want our partner to trust us. And essentially, it's kind of a power move, right? Where you're like, hey, what can I do to get the trust back so that you no longer have the power in the relationship? Right? And so from that place of panic, oftentimes, we just say whatever. Like we'll say, literally, anything that makes our partner say, oh, yeah, okay, that sounds good. Yeah. And then we're like, great. That's the first step towards building trust. But now you forget, I have to follow through that stuff. Yeah, I actually have to do this. Yeah. And what immediately happens after you start justifying why you can't follow through on it, you're like, Oh, well, I meant to and my intentions were really good. And, but that is irrelevant if you're at a place where you want to rebuild trust. And so it's actually better to under commit, and over deliver consistently than it is to overcome it and miss the mark. That's right. And this is what happens is when we're in a place of panic, oftentimes we use communication to overcome it. Because we think what's happening in the moment will be great. We're like, Oh, my partner, you know, it's like, she was really angry. And I'm telling her all the stuff I'm going to do, and it's calming her down. Yeah. So I'm going in the right direction. Yeah, this is great. But what you're not realizing is you're just kind of kicking the can down the road.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. Because the problem is, as soon as you don't come home at four, that trust goes right back to zero. So any little work that you've made any little progress that you've made, is starting right back at zero. Yeah, especially

Eric MacDougall
if The person is very guarded, right? Because they will be seeking. Yes. You to kind of fall on your face. Yeah, right. And we're not.

Kate MacDougall
They're almost expecting it. Yes. They're like, yeah, right. Okay. They don't trust you.

Eric MacDougall
Exactly. And so what you want to be doing is you want to communicate things that are very clear, right? So be much easier to say to saying, I'm going to leave at 8am and come back at four every night, it would be much more clear to say, hey, my priority is being home at four every night, if I'm not able to make it home, I will send you a text with a specific time that I think I'm going to be home. Right? Right. And that's much easier. So what happens then is, okay, your partner is going to expect you at four. And if you're not home at four, they shouldn't be receiving a text. Yes. If you're not home at four, and then have a text, there's a problem. Yeah. Which then leads you to having to repair and own up, right. And so we're not going to get into that, because that's one of the steps. But if you're, you know, essentially, make a commitment and don't follow through on the commitment, you will have to repair and own up to that.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and I think that in a conversation you're having with your spouse, you know, like, Hey, I've chosen to, you know, regain your trust, I'm choosing to take steps towards this, what can I do for you, and your partner comes with, like, well quit your job. I understand that. That's what you want. You know, but I can't do that. But what about if I did this instead? Yeah, you know, I, that's something that I can that is attainable. For me, that is something that I can actually do to build your trust again. So it's okay, that your partner might tell you all these, like, you know, big ideas and these huge steps they want you to, I want you to quit all your leagues, I want you to be home at four o'clock every day, and that they're angry. And rightfully so their trust is is shot and they're sad, and they're hurt. And they don't believe that this is ever going to change, because that trust is gone. So there, they might throw all kinds of things out at you let them and just say, don't just Okay, okay, okay. Okay. Don't over commit, say, this is what I'm able to do. And I really want you to understand that the reason I'm not doing all these big things isn't because I don't love you. It's just, I don't think that I can actually commit to that. And I don't want to break your chest again.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I love it. You said that, because as we're kind of wrapping this one part up, it's, it's important that you like this is not about just giving your partner everything you want. This is about rebuilding trust, yeah. And rebuilding trust means that you have to follow through on your commitments. And so it's better to tell your partner, it would actually be a great, you know, stepping towards building trust, for you to say, Hey, I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm not going to quit my job. So I just want to be open it up front, because I don't want to tell you, I'm gonna quit my job and then go down the road and not quit. So I just wanna tell you right now, I'm not gonna quit my job. And that might be scary, maybe because of that your partner is going to decide to make their own choices, right? But in the moment, it would actually be a much healthier step towards building trust to say, you know, this is not something I'm going to do. So I might as well be open and honest. Right now. Yeah, right. And so just think about that the way that you communicate is really, really important. Because if you're just saying willy nilly things from a place of panic or fear, oftentimes, you're either going to be over committing, you're going to be saying you're gonna do all this stuff, and then later on, when it's time to follow through, you're not gonna be able to follow through, right? Because you made these commitments in a moment of panic instead of a moment of, okay, you know, I'm in a good headspace. I thought about it, this is what I think I should commit to. So I can follow through on it

Kate MacDougall
exactly. So it probably would be best for you to go into the conversation with some sort of an idea of what you can do to build the trust again, even though you're asking your partner, is there anything I can do have this idea of like, well, this is what I can do. This is what I can trust myself to do.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, so the third step is really to focus on your behaviors. Yeah. And the simplest way to understand it is, you know, you want to make sure that your behaviors are congruent, or you know, the same as what you spoke into existence when you were communicating. So again, if you say you're gonna be home at four, make sure that you change your behaviors to make sure you're home before. That means that if you have a long work day, you should be able to okay, at 330, I need to start shutting down all my work stuff. I need to make a commitment. I cannot, you know, run by my boss's office around that time, because you might call me in, if I want to make sure that I'm following through on this commitment. Right. And so making sure that your behaviors line up with your ability to follow through on what you communicated. Yeah, right.

Kate MacDougall
matching your words. Yeah, exactly. Because it's really easy to talk talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. What's going to build that trust again, is the action what's going to make your spouse trust you is seeing you do The things you said you would do.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and communicating is one way for your partner to experience some of these commitments, you're gonna, you know, make essentially. But for them to actually see them, feel them, experience them, witness them, right all these things is going to be much more powerful in terms of your ability to build trust quickly, right. And so this is why we say like, it's better to say less and do more. And we were saying, you know, in the mastermind, sometimes when the guys, they kind of come in, and like I've said everything, I kind of tell them straight up, like the time for talk is over. Right? It's a time for action. And a lot of us we forget about that. Because talking and making promises and making commitments. It's easy, right? For a long time in my life, I talked out of the side of my neck, oh, I'm gonna do this. And I'll quit drinking. And all this is the last one and but in the end, to follow through on your commitments, and to change your behaviors is way more challenging than just saying stuff.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And I like that you brought up that example? Because it's like something very concrete that we went through you. You used to say that all the time, oh, this is the last one. Oh, no, no, I didn't drink last night. And then I'd go in the car. And there'd be like, leftover cans from the night before and things like that. And I'm thinking, Well, why is he saying all these things, but he's doing something completely different. And it was insulting, it was really, really hurtful. And to me, it was just like, stop talking. Like, just stop saying things. Because at this point, there's no point in saying anything. And then every time you would come up to me and say, no, no, this time, I'm gonna stop this time. I'm gonna stop. I was like, yeah. And then when you actually did stop, because that trust had been broken so often. I was like, There's no way he stopped. He's sneaking around. He's just good at hiding his cans. Now. He's just There's no way he's actually quit. And even when you did that huge heart action, you were, you'd had a tracker on your phone, you're like, I'm on day 50 of being sober. I'm gonna day 100 Being sober. And I was just like, huh, okie dokie? Sure. Eric, congratulations, like, and it took me forever to actually believe that you have stopped drinking? And how hurtful is that? Right? Like, how painful must that have been for you to go through this huge life change something that you must have been so proud to go through. And you know that, that was difficult for you, and to not have your best friend, your person in your corner going, Holy crap, good job. And I remember you bringing that up often, like, I don't feel you're proud of me, I don't feel like me quitting drinking, even has an impact on you. And so at that point, it might have been really easy for you to be like, well, eff it, I'm just gonna start drinking again. So this is why the action is so important. Because the more you just kept, and I didn't believe you. And I was acting like a bee. And I was like, Yeah, whatever, whatever, whatever. But you kept the action. And this kind of brings us to the fourth thing, which is consistency, the more you do it, the more that it will stick. And your partner is going to be like, okay, like, I'm actually seeing it now. And unfortunately, because that trust had been broken for so long with us. It took a long time and a lot of consistency on your part. But then there was with that change, there was so many other things that happened, you know, you were a healthier person. You started waking up earlier, you are more active person in our lives, you were participating more, and I was like, okay, like, I'm starting to see it like this thing of okay, Eric, stop drinking. Now our life looks different. Like, I guess I kind of have to trust that he has stopped drinking, because our lives literally looked different. Like, he's a totally different man that I knew, you know, 100 200 days ago when he said he stopped drinking. So I think at this point, I have to believe him, because there's no way he's still drinking. He looks better. He sleeps better, he eats better. He's speaking to me differently. He's acting differently with the kids. So that consistency is what made me trust you. And it took a long time. Unfortunately, I'm sorry.

Eric MacDougall
Well, you don't have to be you know, I think the reality is that I had made my bed and I had to kind of lie in it. Right. And this is the sad reality that maybe in the moment, I didn't realize, but looking back, I totally aware of it now. Like why would you trust me? Yeah. Right. And I think this is where we get stuck. And I want to talk a little bit about the difference in the foundation when I met earlier in terms of the choice. It's, you know, I wasn't I didn't stop drinking for you. Or for a marriage. I stopped drinking for me. The reality is that if the only reason I stopped drinking was to somehow get you to love me again. Well, I would not probably not have stopped drinking. I wish I would have done it for a bit and then when you didn't come back and love me, I would given up on it, yeah. And so like, why does it even matter? But the choice was not? Hey, how do I get Kate to love me again? Right? And this is what we said earlier, the choice is not how do I get my partner to trust me? This is where like a lot. A lot of people come to me like, how do I get my partner to trust me how to how to go important trust me? And the answer is easy. be trustworthy. Right? And this is where, what what do you mean? Like, what do I have to tell her? And it's like, no, you're misunderstanding the concept. The choice is not how do I get a person to trust me? Because that in itself is not a trustworthy thing to do, right? You don't want to try to get a person to trust you,

Kate MacDougall
like manipulating a person to be a way that because you just need them to be that way.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And so the choice is, I will be trustworthy. Yeah. And so what does a trustworthy person say? Yeah. What does a trustworthy person do in terms of behaviors? What does a trustworthy person do in terms of committing to those behaviors, etc. And so when you're talking about my journey of when I got healthier, it was no longer I need Kate to do X. So how do I get her to do that? It was, I'm not a trustworthy person. And so whether it learns to trust me again or not, I need to be more trustworthy. Yeah, I need not just for you, I need to learn to trust myself.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And for you, it was like, I am quitting drinking, because I am not a person who drinks. That was it. And it wasn't, you know, whether Kate stays married to me or not, whether she, you know, loves me or not. I am not a person who drinks that's what I became. Yeah, even if Kate leaves me, I will still be a person who's not who doesn't drink. That's right. So that was the choice you had made. Yeah. And that choice is so important. And is that first step, that's the most important step. Because until you make that choice for yourself, you're never going to commit to it. You're never going to stick to it. At any point. If your partner is like, right, you stop drinking. Okay, which I did. I did often. Sure. Yeah, of course, I didn't celebrate you. You were like 100 days sober, babe. And I was like, Yeah, okay. And you were like, I kind of was hoping make a bigger deal out of this. And I was like, Okay, congratulations, like, I don't know what you want me to say. Like, that's how I would act. And it was like, like, looking back now. I'm like, Oh, my God, are so mean. But I understand where I was coming a bit sense. But it's tough, it is really tough.

Eric MacDougall
And this is why the choice is really for you as an individual. Right. And this is where people get kind of stuck. It's if again, this is, as we wrap it up here, I really want you as a listener to understand the choice to build trust is not so you can get something from a person. It's so you can be a person who is secure, and people can attach themselves to you, right? And so by me becoming a more healthy and more trustworthy person, and it happens now, like I don't, I don't know if you notice this in our life, but like, I'm not just saying random shit all the time. Yeah, right. Even in with my clients with stuff like that. I'm not just talking for the reason. I am very deliberate about the words that I say, yeah. Right. And so oftentimes, you know, like, maybe we'll be in therapy, or we'll be having a conversation. And you're like, Well, you said, and I was like, Well, wait a minute. Like, number one that does not sound like anything I would ever say because that's not congruent with like my values. And so maybe I said something similar, or you received it that way. But I really need to understand what it is that you heard when I was saying these words, because that's not congruent with me. And so what I really want you as a listener to understand is that the choice is about being more trustworthy, being a person that others can trust, not trying to get a specific person to trust you again.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And it becomes like, Can my boss trust me? Can my friends trust me? Can my parents trust me, my spouse stress me, am I a trustworthy person, because if you're telling your spouse, I'm a trustworthy person, you can trust me, blah, blah, blah, and then a few minutes later, you're on the phone with your mom, and you're lying to your mom. Well, your spouse is gonna be like, Well, if he's lying with Mom, I can't trust them, like, so it's, it's becoming a trustworthy person in all aspects of your life. Even just a small thing, like I'm gonna call in sick and you're not sick, that could break the trust of your spouse, even though it has nothing to do with them. It has everything to do with your work and your boss and whatever. Like that is just you're just no longer a trustworthy person. So it's not about just being trustworthy for your spouse for your marriage. It's really just that is your new identity as a person. Yeah.

Eric MacDougall
And that's what you want to go to. Right? Yes, you'll make mistakes. Yes, you'll say things sometimes and then you want to own up to them. But really, you know, the four steps for us is first, you have to make that choice. You have to make the choice to say, I actively want to build trust and therefore I'm gonna think about the way that I communicate, I'm not going to over over say things, I'm not going to talk on the side of my neck anymore, I'm going to say less. And I'm going to make sure that I follow through on more. And that's the behaviors, right? So make sure your behaviors are congruent what you're saying. And then finally, keep it going, be committed to it, have those same behaviors have the same way you're talking, when you screw up, own it, apologize, repair, move on. And next time you screw up, do the same thing, right. And that way, what happens is, oh, now when you screw up, it's not such a big deal. Because you know how to rebuild the trust your partner, trust that you're gonna come to them, and repair and make sure their heart is taken care of. Right. But if you if you do not follow through on these commitments, and you're not being consistent with them, it's going to be very hard for anyone to trust you, let alone your partner.