This week we dive into our own relationship to talk about what we are focused on sexually. We also touch on The Masculine & Feminine, and what drive those two core essences within us.

We chat about:

➡️ How desire dwindles in all long-term relationships
➡️ Why Intentionally taking sex off the table can help your relationship
➡️ The main drivers of the Masculine & Feminine, and how they show up in your marriage.

Join the FREE Evolved Men's Collective Facebook Group

Apply for The Evolved Men's Collective Mastermind

FREE RESOURCE - The Six Key Relationship Skills

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Eric MacDougall
Today we're talking about these foundational drives in the masculine and the feminine essence or core, if you will, right. And so number one, if you've heard us talk about masculine feminine before, again, we're not talking about gender, we're not talking about man, woman. These parts are in all of us, we think about them no more like energies or essences, right? And masculine and feminine are these words that we use to talk about two extremes of kind of the same thing that have a relationship, right, so sun and the moon, order and chaos, you know, light and dark, like all this kind of ideas around it. Well, we use masculine feminine to discuss this topic, definitely not light and dark, right. But you can use it in certain sets of whatever you want. And you know, even when you're saying light and dark, it is light and dark, right? The feminine is energy, it's chaos, it's vibrant, the masculine is more towards the dark, which is death, which is closing loops, which is finishing, which is competing etc.

Kate MacDougall
Oh, like blue, right? That's why we typically it's very healthy to have that healthy polarity in yourself, but also in your relationship 100%

Eric MacDougall
And we're going to talk today, we're not gonna go super deep into masculine feminine stuff. I did a whole episode, which is really powerful. But today, we're just talking about these kind of foundational drives and how they show up in your relationships because I see a lot of people get caught up. And a lot of the men that I work with, they get caught up in this idea of like, how come I can't just figure this thing out. And that in and of itself is very masculine and it kind of shuts off your polarity in the relationship. So we're talking about really these drives and how they work out so The first thing I want to say so the two foundational drives, so again, masculine, typically much more driven, all about order achievements really structured, etc. If you think about it at the core, it's like stillness. But the foundational drive for the masculine is always to create more freedom, right? That's what they want the masculine, they want to be free, right? So masculine men want to be free, we, we have this idea that like, once I get the promotion, then I'll be free, once I get the big house, then I'll be free. Once I pay all my bills, then I'll be free. And every single thing we're doing every achievement we do, every plan we do, every time we try to fix something, it is to create more freedom within us, right, we're trying to create stillness within us. And so we're always driving towards more freedom. Now, the masculine kind of paradox is this idea that we think we can achieve our way to freedom. So like, oh, just one more thing I need to do and then freedom. And then we do it, we don't get freedom and other things there. And then we keep going through this loop over and over again. And sometimes there's going to be like a total waste of time. So that's kind of the masculine always striving towards more freedom. Now, the feminine, right? feminine, which is typically energy, which is really all about life. It's chaos, it's beauty, it's fire, it's passion. It's all those beautiful things, right? Often feminine, women are very much about intuition. They're very creative, all that stuff. But the feminine, is always driven towards love. So it always wants more love, right? This is kind of the the big joke between masculine and feminine couples is the feminine, always wants more, right? Always wants more and more time, more attention. Give me more, give me more, give me more. And that's why I say it's often up to the masculine partner to create healthy boundaries, to be able to give, give, give, give until they're satiated, right? Because the problem is the masculine thinks that somehow the masculine can give the feminine enough enough so that the feminine will be satiated. Might be like, be like, okay, here, I'm giving you all this stuff. I'm doing all these things for you. At what point is it enough?

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, what point are you gonna hit your masculine like I'm in right now? Right? It'd be like, satisfied. Yeah, exactly. And in this episode, we're going to say masculine, we're gonna say, man, and we're gonna say feminine, we're gonna say, woman, that doesn't necessarily mean that that's their dynamic in your relationship. Typically, the man is more masculine. In this essence, he's more masculine 80% of couples, and the woman is more feminine in this, in this scenario, it happens that a feminine will fall into that kind of masculine energy. It depends on what situation in her life or whatever, and vice versa, for the man, there's times where the man will be chaotic, the man will be more, you know, eager to love, eager to create, create and do all those things, right. But in this episode, specifically, we're gonna talk about the man being masculine, the woman being feminine, this doesn't mean that it has to be that way. It doesn't mean that you have to change if it is that way. It's just, this is just the easiest way to talk about it right now.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and please also make an understanding of it. What I want to invite you to think about is that we are not just like one thing, right? So we kind of exist on the spectrum. And if you know, the masculine, the masculine core, the masculine essence, like pure masculinity is all the way to one side. Well, then the other opposite end is pure, feminine essence. Right? And we fall somewhere on that spectrum. So no, man is 100% Pure masculine all the time. Yeah, that would just make them a robot. Right? I'm telling you, if you think right now, your husband's a robot, he's probably really into his masculine role. But there's a part of he's just probably not in touch with his feminine essence. He's not in touch with his emotions, he's not able to harness that power, etc etc.

Kate MacDougall
And that's when you have to use your feminine to pull them towards the feminine That's right,

Eric MacDougall
help him yeah, all that stuff. And you know, the same thing for women you know, I know I've seen a lot of women in the workplace who are very successful sometimes their bosses and they almost kind of forced themselves into their masculine in order to be successful in the workplace, etc, right a lot of order lots of structure, clearly about achievements and goals. And then when they come home, they have a hard time kind of switching that pole and fall into their feminine and they want to be in their feminine, but their polarity is off so essentially they forced their partner to be in their feminine because our partner is unwilling to kind of step up into their masculine and help pulls out Yeah, that's

Kate MacDougall
like me during summer break. I like crave my masculine I'm like I need where's my structure? Yeah. What am I finishing here? I need to finish something I need to I need to achieve something.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, absolutely. And for those guys who don't Okay, I don't know we're getting a little long on this. But you know, Kate, you have a hard time surrendering to the feminine, right? You have a hard time with intuition with freedom with just being like I'm just going to do whatever I feel like I'm

Kate MacDougall
very comfortable in my masculine but I love love when I'm in my feminine I was in my feminine all weekend this weekend. And yeah, it's so good. Like, I feel so energized because I accepted the essence that is most comfortable, or that is that most fits with me, not just the essence where I'm most comfortable, it's easy for me to be in my masculine, that's natural. For me. It's just like being I'm in my masculine, direct,

Eric MacDougall
because that's how you were taught. Yeah, you were taught how to do this, you need to achieve to be successful, you need to be organized, you need to be structured. And so, you know, the way you were raised, there was no like intuition. Wasn't no just like, oh, just figure it out, like, do whatever you'd like and see how it ends up? Yeah, there was like, you

Kate MacDougall
have to go into things with specific plans and goals and an end goal, like what are we doing? And how are we getting there? Yeah, yeah.

Eric MacDougall
And so, but we want to dive into this idea of what typically drives the masculine feminine. So if you think about it in your relationship, right, a lot of the dynamics in the conflict that are playing out, are because the masculine is driving to more freedom. And the feminine is driving towards more love, right? And so if the masculine feels like there's no freedom here, right? If masculine is like, oh, there's a lot of freedom here, and he kind of steps back into fear. What that typically looks like is avoidance. So a masculine man who feels like, you know, I cannot approach I cannot step into the fire, I do not have the courage to face my woman's chaos, right? Typically, if they feel like there's no freedom in that chaos, and if they can't hold space, they can't find their stillness. And they feel like okay, well, when we have fights I vibrate, I get out of my mind, it's super uncomfortable. Well, they're going to avoid that at all costs. These are conflict avoidant men, right. But the opposite is true in the sense that when men are, they go into that, and they vibrate, well, sometimes what they'll try to do is instead of avoid, they'll try to control and they'll try to really push their partners to be a certain way, right, you need to be this way. And you need to stop doing this. And you need to stop doing that. And in both those cases, as you can see, you know, the masculine retreating, kind of avoiding conflicts, because it's too uncomfortable for him to sit in that fire because he can't hold that space. or pushing to words, and using anger, shame, guilt to control in both those cases is a man who's not able to step in his love, who's not able to hold space, because he can't create his own freedom. And what that typically happens to, in terms of the feminine partner receiving that is a withholding of love. Right? If the feminine partner is coming to you, and they're opening up, right, you do this sometimes to Kate, you're overwhelmed. You're like, Oh, my God is going on, I need something. And this is crazy. And I'm just there with you. Right? That's not how it used to happen before I used to avoid at all costs. Yeah. And then when you got too close to too hot, I used to kind of yell in your face, right. And that's kind of how our marriage got to where it was five years ago. And so, you know, to you, it's like, well, I can't go to Eric. So number one, I have to withhold everything I say, because every time I tried to bring it up, Eric runs away. Or if I actually push too hard, you could blow up at any moment. And then in both those cases, I don't feel loved. So you know what, never mind bringing anything up ever,

Kate MacDougall
I'm just gonna shut down and you get to a point where it's just easier for you to also fall into the masculine. Also, just, okay, let's just achieve things such as, like, I won't talk about my emotions, I won't live too loudly, I won't, you know, I won't shine too bright. I'm just going to dial my light. And I'm going to go and I'm going to achieve and I'm going to be driven. And that's it. That's all

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And then we end up in marriages where women do not feel sexual, do not feel desirable, do not feel like that energy at all. And we create these kinds of dead bedrooms syndromes, because we're both just focusing on achievement, creating freedom and calm and never rocking the boat.

Kate MacDougall
Exactly. And it's there, there have been studies that have proven that like, in order for the woman to get to her, you know, sexual peak to feel sexual, to feel liberated in the bedroom, she needs to be in her divine feminine, as much as possible. And the more the man tries to pull her out of that to push her back into the masculine to be like, order, order. Shock, the last she's going to feel that have the feeling of like freedom and, you know, light, light fullness, like light fullness, lightness in her body. Right and which will close her office actually.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and I actually had a mastermind member, you know, he brought up this question to me the other day is him and his wife kind of got into it. And it got to the point where they were having an argument, because he was saying to her, you know, you need to tell me what you need. Like, I can't guess anymore. Like that's unfair to me. It's not logical. I can't read your mind, etc. And he was essentially explaining to his wife how, if you want something you have to tell me, you can't just like kind of stop around the house and kind of leave all these hints and clues. And then I'm supposed to just kind of guess and when I don't guess right aid. You get angry at me. Right? Right. And so his side, and I'm sure a lot of guys are probably listening has been like, yeah, exactly,

Kate MacDougall
exactly. So my wife, she has to be specific. Right?

Eric MacDougall
Exactly. And and I get where he was coming from absolutely right. He Yes, he cannot read his wife's mind. Yes To him, it would make sense to hear his wife say exactly what you want. And that would make it easy for him to provide it. Now, from his wife's perspective, what was happening, and he was kind of like, this is really great, because I asked him, you know, what did your wife say? What was her side? Because we worked through it. And he said, from her, she feels like, well, if I tell you what I need, well, then if you do it, it's not actually you're doing it out of luck. You're just doing because I'm telling you, yeah. And then you create the scenario where it's like, you're just essentially trying to do, like, you know, I tell you, you do it, just so you can essentially get me off your plate. And I become like this project that's like, oh, so I tell you what to do. You do it. And then I have to go away and deal with that. And then when I want something, I have to come back. So you're never actually coming to me, and finding me and you're never actually bringing love to me, right? Am I still is ever bringing love to the feminine. Instead, if I want something, the only way that I can get love is to go to you and ask for it.

Kate MacDougall
Right? And it's so complicated, right? Because I mean, we've talked about this in and out in another episode. And I think I gave this exam exact example. Like, if I tell you, you know, Eric, I want to go more on a date. You're like, okay, and your masculine is like, tell me more like, what do you want the date to look like? When do you want to go to the date? Like, how do you want it like, and you know, and I'm like, I would love to go on a date. And I'd love you to buy me flowers. And then you like, come pick me up and you give me this dress and you're like where this perfect dress for tonight? And I give you all the details that I'm like, Oh no, it'd be like my dream date. And then like, couple weekends later, you fulfill I'm like, won't want like it. It just doesn't give me that feeling that I was like dreaming of of this romantic gesture because I literally gave you the script. And you play. You press play.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And the excitement's in the build up to right, right.

Kate MacDougall
And it's just kind of like, okay, well, that's nice that your masculine did that. But my feminine is like, well, that's not what I meant. Like, I know, I was very specific about it. But like, I don't want you to, you know, wash, rinse, repeat. Like,

Eric MacDougall
yeah, and this is where the feminine, right consciously or unconsciously is saying, well, there's no love here. Like, if I have to orchestrate and manage my husband, to provide love for me, there is no love here. Yeah. Right. And that this is where the dynamic kind of plays out and creates a lot of conflict. Because on the same point, you know, that exact same date idea, the man is like, the masculine man is like, well, I don't want to guess. So tell me as much as you can. But then also, if you don't say, Now, I am left guessing. And if I guess wrong, then there's like discomfort, right? So then not only is there I have to deal with the reaffirmation that you're probably going to hit, right the part of me that I want to hide, which is, I'm not good enough, right? Or I can't plan a good date for my wife. But then now I also have to deal with your discontent. And so if my options are, you know, in my mind, if my options are, do nothing, and have a wife who's not content, or do a whole bunch of stuff, and have a wife who's not content, well, I'm going to pick the Do Nothing every time, right,

Kate MacDougall
or I'm going to do exactly what you're telling me to do. Exactly.

Eric MacDougall
And so unless there's a guarantee of freedom, and unless you make the agreement, that if I do this, you will feel a certain way, I'm out, right. And this is when the masculine really has to step into his gifts, which the masculine gift for those you guys listening is love, right? The masculine gift is to give and share love, abundantly, like ferociously. Because we have a higher risk tolerance. I say we, when I say masculine men, we have a higher risk tolerance, therefore us loving and having our hearts hurt a little bit. That's a muscle that we need to flex, right? Because we're into honor, we're into respect, we're into duty, much more than the feminine is. And so this is where it comes down to, you know what I say all the time, because men are like, it's not fair. Like what about my wife, she needs to do something. It's like, actually, your wife at her best is just like free while your wife the feminine at your best is just free flowing ideas. Right? Right. And so this is where you excel Kate, where you just tell me what you want all the time.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And that's what works for us. So I know a lot of you guys are listening and going like well, then what then what? So I have to give my husband like the recipe for the perfect date, and then he does the perfect date and I'm still not happy. So what So what do I do? Don't give your husband the recipe for the perfect date. Give him the ingredients.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I would say give me the end result.

Kate MacDougall
Right. Okay, I could see that. But also if you're like, oh my gosh, the other day my friend Michelle said that her husband bought her a dress. Isn't that sweet? Like, I would love that. I would love if you did that. That would be so romantic. Like Ingredient being Yeah, so now you're like, Okay, Kate would like it if I bought her a dress, you know? Oh, my friend Michelle the other day, my mom keeps using Michelle. Hi, Michelle,

Eric MacDougall
Carl's got a great relationship

Kate MacDougall
does have a great relationship. Let's say like, my friend the other day told me that, you know, Oh, her husband gives her foot massages every single night like, hey, that'd be so nice. If you gave me a foot massage, like at least once in a while. Ingredient being like, I'm just dropping hints all the time. I'm not specifically saying like, rub my feet right now. But what I'm saying is, this is the kind of stuff that I like.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And it's really important to understand, you know, that typically your wife is your muse, right? If you see her that way, you a big challenge that men have is like, when our wives are struggling, and they're saying things and they just come off and maybe comes off as criticism or complaints. We see it as like, Oh, God, I want to just be quiet. Like, why don't you just, it's like, no, in that moment, you want to choose love, you want to expand, you want to hold space for that. Because if you see your wife as your muse as kind of this beautiful Oracle, who's literally giving you all the answers all the time, when when your wife is saying, oh my god, I'm so stressed out, I cannot take these kids anymore. She doesn't mean she doesn't want to have any kids ever. She means I need a break. I need some time away from the kids. I need to feel like a woman again. Please do that. Right. And this is where we as husbands have an opportunity to create that.

Kate MacDougall
Oh my god. And then imagine if your husband was like, Babe, I booked to a pedicure and a manicure. You know, take the afternoon on Saturday, go pamper yourself, I got this ha My heart just exploded? Like, that'd be so nice. Did I tell you to do that? No, but you got the hint. Right? You take the ingredient and you made the recipe, did the recipe, get the recipe? Absolutely. And

Eric MacDougall
I think this is this is kind of what we want to encourage you to do is, you know, if you are the masculine man, do not obsess with this idea to like, solve everything outside of you, especially your wife, right? And solving your wife, it's not a good idea. But stop trying to like solve everything outside of you and understand that you have the ability to create that freedom within yourself. Because the reality this is kind of half the work we do in the beginning, the mastermind first 30 days is like most of the freedom that is like keeping you in your own prison is happening in your head. Right? It's like you're overthinking, you're constantly in your head, you're making up all these doomsday scenarios about everything. And it's like, once you understand that, like that is part of the trap, well, then you can actually be in these really challenging conversations, and you can actually hear your partner for the first time you can understand them. Because you're not just making up all the scenarios in your head. Right. And so really, really important. Understand that, as men, we have the ability to create freedom, literally at any point masculine men, but also that as women, right, it's important to help your partner now it's always gonna land, right? Oh, no times, guys. They're totally oblivious, you know what I mean? But to really get their attention, and maybe kind of bring them with your energy and touch them and kind of bring him to the moment and say, hey, you know, this is what I would like, or hey, this is not working for me. And I need you to take care of that. Right? And if they're like, Well, how am I supposed to take care of that? Blah, blah, just affirm them? Hey, I'm sure you know how, please, I just, I'd love for you to do this. Okay.

Kate MacDougall
And one of the biggest words, and I think we actually had an episode on that, like, one of the biggest things you can tell your husband or say to your husband, especially say to the masculine is, I trust you? Yeah. So if you're like, they, I just I want to go on a date. And I know it's hard for you to plan a date, but I trust that you're gonna plan something that's just gonna be great. And don't don't put too much pressure on yourself. I just, I really just want it I want you to plan it's a date. Yeah, and that's it and just saying like I trust you will give your husband that confidence or the give the masculine that confidence of like, well, doesn't matter what I do, like she's, she's gonna be happy. But then stick with that, right as the feminine you got to be like, I know I saw them and it was gonna be anything but like, I really didn't like this one like, right that'd be hurtful. So just appreciate the gesture appreciate the time and energy that he did take to plan the date. And like exhibit I'm just that's it the end? Yeah, enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself

Eric MacDougall
and praise what you loved, right? We always say in our relationship kid, and I like what gets celebrated gets repeated. Yeah. And so oftentimes when I have a behavior, that is something Kate doesn't like, she's not constantly bringing it up, like nitpicking. But when I do something she really loves. She like celebrates it right? So if I'm closing when I'm doing manly stuff around the house fixed, right, it really turns her on. So for her like when I'm fixing something, oh my God, thank you so much for doing this the best you know, that's so amazing. And when I'm doing stuff that she doesn't really or is indifferent about or really doesn't like, she just doesn't bring it up. Yeah, she's less maybe and but whenever I do that behavior, there's differential. Oh my god, I love that. I noticed you did it. Thank you so much. And same thing, right? Like when you're being creative and decorating our home and beautiful ways I'm celebrating it. Yeah. As opposed to just kind of constantly criticizing or complaining about your partner shortcomings. Just make sure you celebrate. You know what's really going well, because typically those things that you celebrate, they will get repeated. So like you said, if you tell your husband, oh, my God, I had such a great time. I love and when we got on dates, they make me feel so connected to you. Thank you so much for that, right? Probably gonna get some more dates in the future. Yeah.

Kate MacDougall
And even if you didn't love, love the activity he picked, you can just, I really, really love the fact that we were just the two of us out like, Oh, you didn't really seem to enjoy yourself. You know, what? wasn't my thing, but my God that I ever loved being with you?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, yeah, I was totally no experience. Yeah. I don't know if I do it again. But I did love being with you. And I want to be with you alone more often. Yeah. Yeah, that's really powerful.